Bygone.FirstLove (往事.初戀)

ChinoShan Somniloquy (奇諾山囈語)

(Prolegomenon) (前言)

Since returning from the New Year’s Eve party, Jimmy has fallen into deep thought of reminiscing. Indeed, she was once an unforgettable beauty. On the university campus where the phoenix flower bloomed, she could be said to be a recognized school beauty. Although no one at the party thought the woman in the photo was her, Jimmy knew for sure it was her because of a love affair with her more than half a century ago.

I knew Jimmy even in Taiwan; that day, I went to the hospital because of depression, and he sat in the seat next to me, waiting for the doctor. Since he happens to have the same surname of mine, which is a rare surname in Taiwan, I tried to chat with him; because I found he seemed to be seriously ill, so I didn’t continue our conversation. It has been nearly half a century since I met him last time, again because of the same illness, but this time it was a heart problem. Since the operation I needed was a set of ablation procedures, it only took one day of recovery; before I left the ward, I found a patient laid by the door with the same surname. I became interested in talking to him; and after two or three sentences, I found that we both came from Taiwan. We started talking in Mandarin; suddenly, I remembered that we had met once. Although he couldn’t remember it, I thought it must be him; although he has not been so crazy as I met him last time, his dreamy words made me feel I was sure it was him. Although he was cured of his madness, he has had a different disease. Because the doctor came to drain his lungs, I left in a hurry after we left contact information with each other.

Although living in different counties, we are not far away; therefore, I have often visited him since. Because his wife, Betty, was away and his driver’s license had been suspended, asking me to drive him to a party of his relatives and friends; on the way back, he was quiet but would occasionally mutter and repeat: "It must be her!". It happened like this; a friend of Jimmy who had just started attending a Christian church found a woman deacon with a Chinese name that is the same as a well-known acquaintance; because Jimmy’s friend was not so sure it was her, and many people in the party knew her, Jimmy’s friend brought her photo to the party. In fact, no one in the party said it was her, only Jimmy thought it was her and asked his friend to dig more information about her.

Soon after the party, Jimmy got the COVID-19 and was sent to the intensive care unit; fortunately, he came back alive; the sequelae made Jimmy physically much weaker, his arm trembled when writing, and his thinking was slow and incoherent. I have to say that I am very selfish because I am also afraid COVID-19. When I saw him again, he felt that his time was short and asked me to help him write his story. I asked Jimmy why he didn’t ask Betty to do it for him; Jimmy said that Betty’s heart was with her granddaughters in New York and she often stayed in New York; and said that the COVID-19 was brought back from New York by Betty; her own resistance was strong and the condition was not serious, but Jimmy was hurt badly; moreover, Betty thought that Jimmy is with somewhat mental problem, and nagging all day long. It’s really annoying; besides, there’s no way Betty can write these delusive words for Jimmy. I think Jimmy is sick in both mind and body, but fortunately he is self-conscious. Because I have my own things to do, I really don’t want to write for Jimmy; but I thought about it again and felt that fate makes us deeply connected to each other and said to him: "Okay! I only write one episode every time I come.". Of course, he had to accept it; but after writing two episodes, his old habit of unconstrained style has occurred again, expressing fallacies on both sides of the Taiwan strait. Of course, I have to help, otherwise what should I do! However, some of what he said about Taiwan strait still makes some sense. Until one day, he received an email from an old classmate who had lost contact for nearly sixty years; then began to continue his story.

The stories he told me seem to be true, but they are all delusions; so, put it in my `ChinoShan Somniloquy` file; if you have the same similar experience, please don’t fuss; joys, sorrows, separations, reunions, bitterness, sourness, honors and disgraces happened in the life all just like in a dream, as a illusion. After all, Jimmy is just a crazy old man.

Dolour(I) 忉(一)

That was a memorable year, the year Armstrong became the first man to walk on the moon. Jimmy passed a qualification exam and was admitted to the graduate school of a department in his college; the department was his most favorable one but failed to enter its undergraduate study because of two points short in the national joint college entrance examination. Alice, her current name, was just in her junior year; she was Laodou’s girlfriend at that time. Jimmy’s graduate dormitory roommate was Laodou’s buddy who had been a playmate with Laodou since childhood. Therefore, Jimmy knew that the two-year relationship between Alice and Laodou was coming to an end and intended to pursue Alice. Jimmy’s roommate was a tall and handsome basketball school team member who had a girlfriend but had a soft spot for Alice; he asked Jimmy not to compete chasing Alice and promised to introduce his younger sister to Jimmy. Jimmy also knew that his roommate’s sister was a tender and pure beauty who was just being first awakened for love, this quality satisfied Jimmy’s requirements for the other half. But nobody knew where the daft energy came from, Jimmy determined to compete with his roommate. Although not getting Jimmy’s permission, Laodou took the initiative to speak to Alice on Jimmy’s behalf; and told Jimmy that Alice had been sexually assaulted in her childhood and that she had a boyfriend from Donghai University in high school and was reprimanded by her elders. This was the last time Laodou had a conversation with Jimmy; until about five years later, he met Jimmy by chance when he was going through the formalities for going abroad at the Security Investigation Headquarters in Taiwan. Jimmy sadly told Laodou that Alice was married, but the groom was not himself; Laodou told Jimmy that he knew that Jimmy could not beat her in a love game. Although Jimmy did not agree with Laodou’s comments on her, he did not argue for her; Jimmy only murmured to Laodou that he hoped to meet her again when he would be in sunset old ages.

The weather in southern Taiwan in October is quite pleasant. On the way to the female dormitory between the College of Engineering and the College of Arts and Sciences lined with phoenix trees, Jimmy stopped Alice when she was returning to the dormitory. After a little stammering conversation, Alice agreed to a date with Jimmy. This was Jimmy’s first date, he right off chose ChengQing Lake, which is quite far away from school. This was the first time for Alice to go to ChengQing Lake, but it was the second and last time for Jimmy to go. Jimmy went there once when he was in elementary school, when the lake was still called DaBei Lake. On the south side of this elementary school was the road leading to the Air Force Academy and the airport, and on the west side of this elementary school was the road leading to the Air Force Training Command Headquarter. About 50 meters west of this road leading to this Headquarter was a small parallel railroad track. That trip to DaBei Lake was the only group trip of the school. The teachers led teams of students across the road and climbed onto the small open-air train, which was supposed to carry sugar canes for Taiwan Sugar Corporation, that stopped not far away. The small train directly led to DaBei Lake. Although this small train moved only a little faster than the bullock cart, it was full of joy and beauty; it was a day Jimmy never forgot. Since it was a Saturday holiday of Taiwan Restoration Day, the passengers on the Highway Bureau bus going to ChengQing Lake were quite crowded; but it did not reduce the smoothness and joy of Jimmy’s conversation with her. Naturally, this was also a beautiful day that Jimmy would never forget, because, to Jimmy’s surprise, this first date suddenly confirmed the mutual recognition of the lover’s relationship.

Dolour(II) 忉(二)

That year’s Taiwan Restoration Day happened to have a full moon night. The brightness of the moon rivaled the surge of the high tide, blocking the way back to the dormitory, and leading a pair of young people who wandered and talked all day to the park-like GuangFu (Restoration) campus. Walking slowly on the large lawn like a tarmac in front of the administrative building, passing through the big banyan tree with a long history, Alice chose a big rock to sit down on, and then Jimmy sat on a rock next to it. After a short conversation, Alice burst into tears, and she told Jimmy that her two elder brothers were imprisoned for political causes related to communism. Although Jimmy had never had a girlfriend, he held Alice’s hands tight without hesitation, looked into Alice’s eyes sympathetically, and listened quietly to her account of the misfortune that had happened.

Jimmy now recalls the content of the conversation at ChengQing Lake that day; Alice’s sudden tears were not only for her own family sufferings. After Jimmy’s group trip to DaBei Lake in elementary school, the students were asked to submit a tour composition to this lake. Jimmy told Alice under the tree in front of the Cornered Bridge Moon Fishing Monument by the nine-cornered Jiuqu Bridge in ChengQing Lake: Jimmy not only got a low grade for that homework, but also was reprimanded by the teacher, because Jimmy compared DaBei Lake to Xi Lake. Before ChengQing Lake was developed, DaBei Lake was basically a large reservoir. At that time, the teachers, students and parents of this elementary school were all from mainland China and most of them moved from Sichuan and Yunnan provinces; the parents were all members of the Air Force. Alice is a native of Taiwan province with Japanese descent and was naturally curious about Jimmy’s family. Jimmy’s father graduated from the first session after the establishment of National Police Officer Academy and had been working in the police field; Jimmy’s mother came from a Yangzhou aristocratic family. In the early days of the Anti-Japanese Invasion War, after graduating from high school, Jimmy’s mother followed Madame Chiang Kai-shek’s call and went to the Sichuan Orphan and Separated Children’s Nursing Home to do national rescue work. At that time, Jimmy’s father was working as a police bureau chief in Pixian County of Sichuan province, and he met and married Jimmy’s mother. She was pregnant and gave birth to Jimmy’s elder brother prematurely in seven months by caesarean section. Therefore, Jimmy’s elder brother was handicapped. After giving birth to Jimmy, Jimmy’s father was transferred to Shanghai to serve; the second world war had been won at that time. Shortly after Jimmy’s younger sister was born, the situation in Shanghai became tense. In 1949, Jimmy’s father asked Jimmy’s mother to take the three kids to follow Dr. Rui, Jimmy’s maternal grandmother’s elder sister’s son, escaped first; from then, the family became apart forever. Dr. Rui worked at the Air Force Hospital; he also got a job for Jimmy’s mother at the hospital. Hence, Jimmy had been educated by that elementary school for air force kids. Since the cause and result of Jimmy’s fathers being lost connection remained a mystery, Jimmy’s family had political problems at the time. Moreover, Jimmy’s father was not a soldier, so that Jimmy and his brother and sister could not enter the Huaxing orphanage run by Madame Chiang. Finally, after many twists and turns through pulling some strings, a private orphanage school close to the foot of Datun Mountain took Jimmy in. Originally, Jimmy’s mother planned to keep Jimmy in the orphanage for continuing his middle school education, but it didn’t work out, so he had to go back home for middle school education.

While listening to Alice’s narration, Jimmy also responded with more of his own childhood memories. Therefore, for a pair of young people who already fell in love with each other at first sight, the different unfortunate family encounters catalyzed the turning point of the relationship to come early. The pass of how Alice fell into Jimmy’s arms and how the kiss started; Jimmy’s impression was vague. After all, it was Jimmy’s first date; he was inexperienced, apart from passion and was dazed. However, now that Jimmy recalls, everything happened very naturally. When Jimmy sent Alice back to the girls’ dormitory that night, a full moon was already snickering at him over his head; this was indeed his first date. I asked, "Sounds like Alice was your first love?"; Jimmy replied, "Not sure.". I couldn’t figure it out: why Jimmy wasn’t sure Alice was his first love? Because I suddenly remembered what Jimmy had told me: when they disembarked in Chiayi city, there were also Jimmy’s uncle and old nanny Woo; I condemned: “You didn’t tell Alice the truth about your uncle and old nanny Woo”. Then, Jimmy continued to narrate fillingly.

After the victory of the Anti-Japanese Invasion War, Jimmy’s parents took his elder brother and newborn Jimmy to take a small boat eastward through the Three Gorges to the maternal grandfather’s house in Taifu Street of Yangzhou city; then brought Jimmy’s mother’s youngest brother and old nanny Woo and continued eastward to Shanghai for work; Jimmy’s mother took old nanny Woo because she could be a maidservant. After Jimmy’s mother worked in the Air Force Hospital, because life was too harsh, and the house was too narrow, old nanny Woo chose her new master and left. Jimmy’s uncle lived in the soldier barracks first, then he went to a police academy and also left. Mother once said that the fate of the entire family was given by Guanyin Bodhisattva; when the boat almost sank during passing the Three Gorges, mother repeatedly prayed to Guanyin Bodhisattva to survive. Mother once said that when she was a child, her family called her red doll, because her mother, Jimmy’s grandma, died of bleeding when she was giving birth to Jimmy’s mother. Jimmy’s grandma was a teacher, one of the very few intellectuals who attended foreign schools at that time; according to what Jimmy’s grandpa told Jimmy’s mother: Jimmy’s grandma was a progressive person who hated the playboy style of grandpa’s family members and relatives; therefore, somewhat affected Jimmy’s grandpa. Jimmy’s mother said: Early high-level figures in the CCP, such as Zhou Enlai, had visited Jimmy’s grandpa; and Jimmy’s father was also a CCP sympathizer. Jimmy’s father’s police officer classmates all thought that his father was insane; everyone ran away at that time, what was he doing there alone. Jimmy’s brother once told Jimmy: mother told him that father was a fingerprint expert. Jimmy’s mother grew up in a big family; Jimmy’s grandpa was very kind to her, but her stepmothers were too treacherous; moreover, the intrigue among members of the big family prompted Jimmy’s mother to leave home early and become independent.

note: Xi lake (西湖) is the most famous lake in mainland China based on its scenery, culture background and history.

Dolour(III) 忉(三)

After receiving the email from Albert, Jimmy’s thoughts wandered to the private orphanage school close to the foot of Datun Mountain sixty-seven years ago. Albert used to be a classmate of Jimmy’s, but he was an ordinary commuting student. The teachers in the orphanage school were excellent. Even though the tuition fee was high, most of the classmates were ordinary commuting students; while the residential students were free of tuition, board and lodging and medicine. The year Jimmy graduated from the elementary school; the orphanage school finally accepted his application. Since Jimmy was significantly lower than the normal age to start his elementary education, Jimmy’s mother decided to send him to the orphanage school to study the sixth grade again. Jimmy remembered that there was a large grove of fake pineapple woods as a barrier on the northern border of the orphanage school; the trees bore inedible pineapple-shaped fruits. Through the woods, you could see the trains slowly coming in and out of the station in front of the foot of Datun Mountain. Jimmy often walked through the woods at dusk after dinner just to wait for watching the train going south leading to his home. Because it took a whole day of train travel in order to go home, Jimmy didn’t get on the train going south until he graduated. After returning home that time, he went back to the orphanage school twice. During the summer vacation before Jimmy entered the third year of junior middle school, he went back once, but he was bullied by the old bully of the orphanage schoolmates; Jimmy was always easy to forget the name of the villain; as a result, he was rescued by a classmate surnamed Hsu; from then on, he never went to the orphanage school until the class reunion seven years later.

Not far from the entrance gate of the orphanage school, there was a Christian church on the right. On the left was a row of classrooms, the sixth-grade classroom was the last one; a hut next to this classroom was the dormitory of the teacher Fu. Because Jimmy’s mother was a devout Buddhist, Jimmy lived once in this church although he never worshiped in this church. It was a quarantine to prevent the spread of the flu. Jimmy and several other residential students slept on the benches of the church for a not short period of quarantine days. When the students recovered and walked out of the church, many ordinary commuting students came to visit. Among them, Jimmy still had an impression of two lovely girl classmates: one lively and the other gentle, always bringing happiness to the classmates. In Jimmy’s childish heart, they were angels. Jimmy still remembers Teacher Chang who taught `Education of Love`. It was a school full of love, which warmed Jimmy’s homesickness. After the class reunion in the orphanage school, Albert never contacted Jimmy again. Naturally, this was really an email that surprised Jimmy. After replying to the email, Albert contacted three more ordinary commuting classmates for Jimmy: Shirley, Alicia and Sam. Shirley and Alicia were the angels that Jimmy remembered when he was young. It was said that Sam did not attend that class reunion in order to avoid the embarrassment of meeting a girl classmate. Therefore, Sam and Jimmy have lost connection for sixty-six years. Jimmy remembers playfully singing a love song by a famous Taiwanese singer Xie Lei at the party to entertain this girl classmate he was not sure about. Of course, the lyrics of `I want to tell you that I love you to make your fantasy extraordinarily beautiful...` would make people have reveries.

After the class reunion, Jimmy reported directly to the military engineering school not far away to receive reserve officer subject training. In the first half of the training, Sirdar Gu, the training officer of the Lieutenant Colonel, appointed Jimmy as the trainee leader, but in the second half of the training, Jimmy was elected by the students as the trainee leader. One day, when Jimmy was assembling the students, he received a report that a girl came to visit him. Perhaps Sirdar Gu thought it was Jimmy’s girlfriend who came to visit; he couldn’t bear to spoil Jimmy’s good deeds, so he made an exception and let Jimmy leave the team. Jimmy ran to the entrance of the school suspiciously; it was discovered that Shirley was accompanying another girl classmate to visit. After a short conversation, Jimmy quickly returned to the team. However, soon after, Shirley told Jimmy: because the girl classmate’s family tradition required early marriage, Jimmy could marry her as soon as possible. This was really a brusque suggestion because Jimmy even hadn’t had a girlfriend before. I guess it was Jimmy’s love song to blame.

Until this time when I received an email from Albert, Shirley and Alicia, who were the angels in Jimmy’s heart when he was young, were the orphanage school classmates that Jimmy saw last. It was a day fifty-six years ago, when Jimmy went to a top university in Taiwan to visit them; also met Shirley’s mother. Jimmy still remembers Shirley’s mother asking him if he was also planning to go abroad; Jimmy replied that due to family causes, he did not plan to go abroad. When saying goodbye that day, Shirley gave Jimmy a photo of her college graduation, and advised Jimmy that good men don’t marry early. I teased Jimmy and said: "You must have caused a lot of trouble for yourself if you like playing tricks and singing love songs.". Jimmy evaded me and said that it was when he was receiving reserve officer enlistment training in Chenggong Ridge. It was only when the days were tough that he started to like singing love songs. He sang love songs loudly when cleaning toilets, taking a shower and riding in military vehicles. No one asked him to stop making noise, because everyone was suffering. Then, Jimmy introspectively said: "Why did I go to see them at that time? Was it for the friendship of classmates? Not entirely, For love? Naturally, it has nothing to do with it.". I asked curiously: "Then what were you doing for?". Jimmy replied again: "Not sure."; But he continued: "It’s an inexplicable desire to see them.". Is this Jimmy’s first love? Falling in love with two girls at the same time? It seems wrong. I asked again: "Both of them? Guess you only wanted one of them?". Jimmy didn’t answer, just smiled slyly at me.

As I am writing up to this point, I am interested in what Jimmy was the trainee leader during the subject training of reserve officers and ask Jimmy to describe it in more detail. He agrees. At the beginning of the training, Sirdar Gu selected the three tallest students to go to the team headquarters, and sat in front of him face to face, without speaking but looking at the students; about a minute later, Sirdar Gu asked Jimmy to stay and let the other two leave; ordered Jimmy to be the trainee leader. On nights when there were no classes, there were many trainees’ families living nearby; these trainees would secretly climb over the wall and go home to have fun, and then returned to the team before the roll call; Jimmy never prevented them and helped to cover up. Jimmy did not know that in the middle of the subject training, Sirdar Gu would use elections to change the trainee leader; Jimmy guesses: if he prevented the students to have an unlawful break, no one would elect him; Jimmy just thought at the time that it was harmless to be convenient to others; Jimmy didn’t want to be the trainee leader, but he had to do it because of orders; since he did it, it would be embarrassing if no one elected him. No shame, but no glory because he knows how he got elected; but he’s really proud of himself that he solved a free-thinking puzzle in just a few minutes.

A student from the Department of Physics at National Taiwan University named Lin X Hsin, where X is a word often used to indicate family generation, took a free-thinking problem to test the students; according to him, this problem was used by a professor to test his classmates in the university. It doesn’t need any knowledge to solve it, just a person’s natural thinking ability; he said that he was the only one who solved this problem at that time, so he used it to find the next solver. This solver happened to be Jimmy; trainee Lin is a mild-mannered gentleman, and later Jimmy heard that he wore a pair of big leather boots to spread patriotic ideas everywhere. There was another trainee surnamed Wang who has a talent for comedy. His name is the same as a famous Chinese supermarket chain in the United States. At a student gathering a while before graduation from the subject training, student Wang made jokes against Sirdar Gu’s immediate superior, who was a Colonel officer; extremely ironic and funny burlesques made people laughing uncontrollably; as a result, extreme joy turned sad, because someone sycophantically reported his deed. It was said that this Colonel officer was a flatterer, therefore, the dispatch destination after the completion of the subject training was a black-box operation handled by this Colonel officer himself. The best enlisting place for the reserve officers is near the metropolis; Jimmy guessed that the fate of trainee Wang would not be good; however, despite being the trainee leader for two terms, Jimmy’s fate was not good either. Later, Jimmy wondered why Sirdar Gu chose him as the trainee leader; Jimmy realized that maybe it was during that minute that Jimmy stared at Sirdar Gu, Jimmy didn’t move and never blinked; is this the cause? Jimmy doesn’t know, because it’s impossible for Jimmy to know how the other two candidates were doing; Jimmy concludes that staring people without blinking is a bad practice.

Dolour(IV) 忉(四)

The university that Shirley and Alicia attended has a custom of going abroad after graduation; of course, they are not an exception. On the contrary, the university that Jimmy attended has a custom of staying in Taiwan after graduation to serve. Moreover, due to family causes, Jimmy needed to stay in Taiwan. When Jimmy started his senior year, he decided to go to his first-choice department for the national joint college entrance examination to take additional major courses. Therefore, he studied for an extra year in college; plus, a year of military service; it’s unrealistic to pursue any of them. In particular, an engineering student is quite sane; basically, after that farewell, Jimmy forgot about them. After reserve officer military service, Jimmy joined Honda and started learning Japanese. However, he resigned from Honda after working for two months because he was accepted to be a teaching assistant in the department that was his most favorable one for the national joint college entrance examination. After one year as a teaching assistant, he passed an entrance examination to be admitted into graduate school of this department. Of course, Jimmy already knew Alice when he was a teaching assistant, but never contacted. It can be said that before the Taiwan Restoration Day date, Jimmy and Alice were strangers who had nothing to do with each other. So, it took a lot of effort for Jimmy to ask Alice out again after the Taiwan Restoration Day date. I guess Alice sensed her gaffe on the date and regretted it.

Jimmy told me: The university where Jimmy and Alice went was beginning to expand. Outside the northern wall of the Guangfu campus was a large road running east-west; on the opposite side of this road was the National Military Hospital that was still ready to be handed over to the university. Tight to the east of the National Military Hospital was a large piece of land reserved by the government for the purpose of expanding the university. On the opposite side of the reserved land, immediately south of this road was the northern wall of the female dormitory, which was also the northern wall of the original school district. There was a T-shaped intersection between the original school district and the Guangfu campus. From this intersection to the south about 600 meters was another T-shaped intersection. This intersection was the starting point of DaXue (university) Road, which ran from west to east, and was the archway of the main entrance of the university. Walking east on the DaXue road, the right side was the university library, and the left side was the Academic Affairs Office; further east, the left side was the road leading to the College of Engineering, the College of Arts and Sciences and the female dormitory; Then, go a little further east and on the right side was the Christian EnCi (Grace and Kindness) Church. Each engineering department had an independent courtyard; the engineering courtyards were arranged like soldiers from south to north. The southernmost courtyard was Jimmy’s college department and then Jimmy’s graduate school department. The northernmost courtyard was the Department of Engineering Science; opposite to the west of the Engineering Science department courtyard was the female dormitory. The male dormitory, graduate student dormitory, swimming pool and student restaurant were all in the south side of the university library building. Opposite the main entrance of the university, west of the T-shaped intersection, there was only a narrow pedestrian path; commuting students used this path to cut through to the train station. On both sides of the path, there were many cottages that provided students’ meals. I interrupted Jimmy impatiently and said: "That’s enough! I’m not asking for directions! Why don’t you just tell me the name of the school, the name of the road and the name of the place?". Jimmy replied: "The homeland with fresh air and peaceful environment in memory no longer exists, and many streets and buildings have been added or removed. Therefore, the school’s name, road name and place name have lost their original meaning.". Then, continue to narrate his story.

On the north side of Guangfu Campus, opposite to the National Military Hospital, there was a regular restaurant. The day Jimmy dated Alice again was Alice’s birthday; Jimmy took Alice to this restaurant for her birthday dinner. After dinner, it was already sunset time. Although the young couple were already lovers, they still walked side by side like ordinary friends. I was looking at him suspiciously; Jimmy told me: the social atmosphere in Taiwan was quite conservative back then, and the young people walking hand in hand on the street would attract a lot of strange stares; most girls regard chastity as important as their own lives. Although Taipei was not like this at the time, I don’t want to interrupt him. The sunset and twilight sky touched Jimmy’s heart; happiness rippled in Jimmy’s heart towarded love. Although he really wanted to lead Alice to the big rock in the Guangfu campus, he only escorted Alice to the university library. When Jimmy left the study room of the postgraduate student and went to pick up Alice, it happened that the lights were just going to be turned off in the library. On the way to send Alice back to the dormitory, she agreed to the invitation to Jimmy’s home. It was opposite the female dormitory, beside the courtyard of the Department of Engineering Science; under the woods, Jimmy naturally and quickly kissed Alice and said goodbye.

Dolour(V) 忉(五)

The city where Jimmy’s family lived was about three quarters of an hour away by train from the university town. It was a weekend in mid-November; Alice accompanied Jimmy to cut through the path opposite the archway of the main entrance of the university, to the railway station; took the train going south. The railway station in the city where Jimmy’s home was located had a west-facing exit. Less than 200 meters before the exit was a north-south high road; the high road and the train track were parallel; they were the only north-south transportation roads through Taiwan then. Of course, Alice accompanied Jimmy to ChengQing Lake also through this high road. From the intersection of the high road in front of the railway station, went south about 700 meters and there was another intersection. Jimmy’s home as well as the elementary school that Jimmy once studied were on the side of the east-west main road at this intersection. Jimmy’s home was in the air force dependents village 300 meters to west on the south side of the road; and the elementary school was another 300 meters to west on the north side of the road. It’s quite a short walk to Jimmy’s home from the train station. In fact, Jimmy often rode a bicycle between the university and his home. But this time Jimmy hired a tricycle to go home. Both Jimmy and Alice are tall; This really attracted the attention of many passers-by. Of course, Jimmy understood that these obsessed eyeballs were for Alice. Back home, the first words Jimmy’s mother said to Jimmy were unforgettable for Jimmy: "She is so beautiful. It’s hard to control.".

Going home this time made Jimmy’s original inferiority complex worse. Therefore, Jimmy did not date Alice again until Alice asked Jimmy to go to the Christian EnCi Church to listen to the sermon. Although Jimmy lived in the Christian Church once in order to be quarantined, this was the first time he entered the Christian church to listen to the sermon. Jimmy remembers that a pastor of the Christian EnCi Church was Professor Wang who taught an electric power course in the Department of Electrical Engineering. One of the Christian brothers at the entrance greeted the church members in English. Jimmy was very embarrassed because he didn’t understand what this man was talking about. In Jimmy’s entire life, he seems to have read books properly and systematically no more than a few years. He grew up in a single-parent family. Since his mother was very busy, the three brothers and sisters were brought up in free range. His grades had always been averaging except for one semester when he was at the top, because Jimmy’s mother supervised him to complete his homework on time and conscientiously during this semester; his mother once praised to Jimmy that a younger kid, in the neighborhood, who was always at the top of the list without any supervision; but this younger kid finally entered a university which is not national. Until Jimmy graduated from elementary school, the whole family of four squeezed into a room of less than 110 square feet; and a small half was a stove, because it was originally one half of a disused hospital kitchen partition. The disadvantaged situation made him feel humble. Maybe he started school much earlier in order to hope that he would become independent sooner. Jimmy remembers that it was in the second grade of elementary school, Jimmy was beaten by a classmate whose father was a high ranking official; not only did the instructor physically punish Jimmy, but also called Jimmy’s mother to come to the school. Jimmy remembers that day his mother was wearing a cheongsam and simple make-up; the mother told Jimmy that she was so formal just because she didn’t want to be looked down upon by others. Coupled with his elder brother’s disability, it’s not surprising that he was bullied. This classmate’s surname is S. Just because he did another act of cowardice, and aside from the trip to DaBei Lake, that was the only thing Jimmy could remember happening at elementary school.

In Taiwan, this was the only time that Jimmy went to a Christian church to listen to a sermon. At that time, Alice showed Jimmy a passage from the Bible that he still considers to be the most beautiful and alluring passage in the Bible. It is difficult to do it completely, because Jesus can’t do it all for you, if you don’t believe in Him; unless you’re a Jew. Jimmy can only keep trying to improve himself. This passage of Scripture is the thirteenth chapter of 1 Corinthians; verses 4-8:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

Dolour(VI) 忉(六)

Returning home from the private orphanage school, Jimmy was admitted to a provincial middle school. Although the one-year experience in the orphanage school helped Jimmy’s psychological growth, it did not change his habit of wasting years; what was worse was to follow his handicapped elder brother smoking and fighting in the Taibao gang. When Jimmy was in high school, the inspector of the Air Force Training Command Headquarter was surnamed Li. Because his son was with the Taibao gang with Jimmy’s elder brother, he complained to Jimmy’s mother: Jimmy’s elder brother only brought other children to the Taibao gang. It’s not true; Jimmy remembers almost repeating a grade in his first year of high school; when the second semester of the high school first year was about to end, his mother would often look for Jimmy and his brother in the middle of the night. In the summer vacation before the second year of high school, once his mother found Jimmy in the middle of the night, Jimmy promised not to fool around with his brother and quit the Taibao gang; from then on, Jimmy studied hard and won the first place in the class in the first semester of the second year of high school. At that time, Jimmy knew that his foundation was not stable. In order to pass the national joint college entrance examination, he only focused on strengthening mathematics, physics and chemistry from the second semester of the second year of high school. Jimmy remembers that the tutor in the first semester of the second year of high school was Teacher Cui who taught history; the tutor for the second semester of the third year of high school was Teacher Nie, who taught Chinese; the tutor in the second semester of the second year of high school or the first semester of the third year of high school was Teacher Cao who taught physical education. Teacher Cao liked to push students to join the Kuomintang party; Just because Jimmy didn’t want to be the class leader, he punished Jimmy with two major demerits and two minor demerits. Therefore, Jimmy graduated from high school while on probation.

When Jimmy was in his third year of high school, the bully S and another student named Y became Jimmy’s classmates again. The father of this student Y was a colleague of Jimmy’s mother. At this time, no one dared to bully the Jimmy brothers. Jimmy had to be the class leader in the second semester of the third year of high school; the class leader had to supervise the cleaning of the classroom after school every day. It was the wish of student surnamed S and student surnamed Y to study in the Air Force Academy; they had no pressure to pass the national joint college entrance examination. However, they always refused to listen to the arrangement when on their turns to clean up. Jimmy slapped the student surnamed Y in the face because of repeated scolding. This action happened to be seen by Teacher Nie, so he knew it was stirred by the student surnamed S. Teacher Nie quelled the incident and did not punish anyone. In the last two years of high school, Teacher Nie and Teacher Cui both helped Jimmy a lot and ignored a lot of Jimmy’s faults. Otherwise, Jimmy would not be able to enter the university immediately after graduation and may be expelled from the provincial high school. Although Jimmy was one of two classmates who were admitted to the national university; he thought the exam was too bad because he was so nervous that he could not sleep for days during the exam. Jimmy narrates up to here, he suddenly said: "Thank the Lord! There is no such national joint college entrance examination in Taiwan anymore.".

When Jimmy started middle school, Jimmy’s family had already moved to the house with earthen walls still located in the Air Force Hospital. It was a long and narrow warehouse-like building built with loess and bamboo along an east-west direction; it was divided into about ten apartments; There were two 110-square-feet rooms and one 20-square-feet kitchen in each apartment; the doors of each apartment face south. The public toilet was on the east side of the building. There was a morgue in the northeast corner of the hospital; it was about 50 meters north of the public toilet. In the third grade of Jimmy’s junior middle school, because the three brothers and sisters grew up, the hospital gave Jimmy’s family a nurse’s dormitory. The nurse’s dormitory was a dormitory left by the Japanese colonial era. The nurse’s dormitory was divided into about ten apartments, with tatami mats; there was a corridor connecting all the nurses’ apartments on the south side of the dormitory; the westernmost part of the corridor was the entrance to the dormitory, which was also the exit to the hospital ward, clinic and kitchen; there was a public toilet room at the entrance. North of each nurse’s apartment had its own bathing cubicle. Jimmy’s family built an additional room on the south side of the corridor; a small part of the corridor in front of the added room was equipped with simple kitchen utensils. Jimmy had lived in a nurse’s apartment with tatami mats since the third grade of junior middle school; and Jimmy’s elder brother lived in the room built in the south of the corridor. Jimmy had slept on tatami since the third grade of junior middle school. Jimmy’s deepest youth memories in Taiwan were all in this nurse’s apartment; until he graduated from university, Jimmy’s family moved again to the official Air Force Dependents’ Village on the south side of the road, on the beveled opposite side of the elementary school; it was Jimmy’s only home that Alice knew. Although Jimmy was born in Chengdu, he grew up in Taiwan and regards Taiwan as his homeland. Therefore, the smell of Jimmy’s homeland is the smell of sleeping on tatami.

Jimmy can’t say that he had never had any wrong thoughts about young female nurses. Jimmy remembers that when he was in the first year of high school, there was a very sexy young female music band player who lived in the nurse’s apartment on the east side. The buddies of the Taibao gang often teased her, calling her `eating cloth`. I asked: "What is `eating cloth`?". Jimmy evilly smiled at me and said: "Which part of the very sexy body of a young female in tight pants can eat cloth?". I asked again: "Have you ever loved or liked the young female nurses in the nurse’s dormitory?". Jimmy replied: "I don’t seem to have loved, but I liked some of them, because only when you like a girl, then you will have wrong thoughts about her.". I said to him: "Haha, confess without being pressed!".

note: the provincial middle school has six grades; the first three years are of junior middle school and the last three years are of high school, in Taiwan.

Dolour(VII) 忉(七)

The national joint college entrance examination made Jimmy almost mentally broken down. In addition, he was not interested in the department he was admitted to. Jimmy’s habit of wasting years was exposed again. When Jimmy was a sophomore, Jimmy started to commute from home to college; Jimmy slept back on the tatami again. There was a bridge on the way Jimmy biked home from the train station; just the southeast side of the bridge and the southwest side of the small river was a famous rice shop. The small river also passed the northeast corner of the Air Force Hospital a hundred meters away.

One day when Jimmy was in his college junior year, Jimmy passed by this rice shop on his way to university classes by bicycle; he found a very, very beautiful girl coming out of this store. According to Jimmy’s recollection, she was no less beautiful than Alice, even better; she had a different kind of beauty. She was a noble, pure beauty like an angel. It was so holy that people would feel that even if they just talked to her, they were violating her. Jimmy thinks that she was more beautiful than any Taiwanese or Japanese movie stars at that time. Although Jimmy had already passed this store and was about to reach the train station, he deliberated and then turned around and tried to figure out where she’s going. When Jimmy turned back and rode to the intersection with the high road, he just met her riding on a bicycle and was turning left to the north. Of course, Jimmy would turn right to follow; and found that she was working in a bank not far on the right-hand side. Because of this encounter, Jimmy delayed a major class. From that day on, as long as possible without delaying proper work, Jimmy would stand opposite the bank, on the other side of the street, just to see her one more time; and then followed her bicycle from a distance, watching her go home. So, Jimmy knows that she is the daughter of the owner of this rice shop, surnamed Liu. Jimmy just did it; did it for a long time, until a young man came out to stop him from continuing to do it. At this time, Jimmy’s junior year was almost coming to an end; during the summer vacation after the junior year, Jimmy went north to participate in the class reunion of the orphanage school and the subject training of reserve officers. After the summer vacation, in the senior year, Jimmy no longer commuted, because Jimmy needed to spend extra time in the preferred department of the college entrance examination to take major courses. In the last two years of college, Jimmy seldom went home; and when he graduated from college, Jimmy’s family had moved to the official air force dependents’ village and no longer passed by this rice shop. Adding all kinds of things that happened after that, basically, Jimmy forgot about her at the time he went abroad.

This small river also passed 50 meters away on the north side of the official Air Force Dependents’ Village; Jimmy also took a tricycle from this home to the train station and went north to Songshan Airport to catch a plane to go abroad; This home was on the same road as the elementary school and was also the only Jimmy’s home that Alice knew. One year before Jimmy went abroad, Jimmy’s family bought a townhouse at their own expense in the north of the Air Force Dependents’ Village, closer to the elementary school. After more than 40 years abroad, Jimmy returned to Taiwan for the first time; during the period of Jimmy’s being abroad, his hometown changed a lot, and the appearance of his alma maters in Jimmy’s memory no longer exists. Many old houses have been demolished, including the Air Force Dependents’ Village, and replaced by many new houses. Boss Liu’s rice shop and the neighboring houses also disappeared. Because Jimmy asked his elder brother about the disappearance of this rice shop, Jimmy learned that the daughter of Boss Liu was still unmarried at the time Jimmy went abroad; and after Jimmy went abroad, her younger brother, that is, the young man who stopped Jimmy, once came to Jimmy’s townhouse to ask about Jimmy’s whereabouts. Later, Jimmy went to a rice store to buy rice for his elder brother; because it was not far from the original rice store of Boss Liu, Jimmy asked the store owners again about the whereabouts of Boss Liu and told them about this past event. They obviously remembered this interesting incident; they told Jimmy that Boss Liu’s daughter ended up marrying a businessman in Taipei; and asked Jimmy if he still wanted to see her. Jimmy felt it was inappropriate and didn’t answer, but asked why they knew about this incident, and what was their relationship with Boss Liu? They answered that they were boss Liu’s assistants. When Jimmy returned to the townhouse, he told his elder brother what had happened. Brother scolded Jimmy: "You fool, they are the son and daughter-in-law of Boss Liu, the younger brother and sister-in-law of Boss Liu’s daughter.". When Jimmy narrated at this point, it seemed that he suddenly felt that a life was too dazed; then suddenly said: "Why a life is such a torture? I would be willing to not go abroad for her!". Then weakly and with difficulty climbed up from the tatami bed; staggered to the small window in front of the house, staring at the snow-white peaks of the distant mountains emerging from the opposite roof; seems to be flickering with tears.

I figured it was love, not just liking, although never being in touch. I asked, "Is this your first love?". Jimmy didn’t respond, like I didn’t exist. I just said to him, "You’re lucky, this happened in Taiwan; if it were in America here, the police would handcuff you!".

Dolour(VIII) 忉(八)

After Alice returned to school from Jimmy’s home, her fifth elder brother came to see her at school. Jimmy remembers that day, he accompanied Alice to pick up her fifth elder brother at the small bus stop near the school; after picking up her fifth elder brother, only chatting for a while, her fifth elder brother took the next bus and left. When sending Alice back to the dormitory, she told Jimmy: since her fifth elder brother and her got along best, she sent the love letter that Jimmy gave her to him; he told her that Jimmy loved her deeply and wanted to meet Jimmy. Jimmy declared: that was his only love letter to Alice, and it was a very short letter. I asked Jimmy to let me read this love letter. Jimmy said: It is a letter that only Alice can read; Jimmy does not want others to read the letter, including her fifth elder brother; if you want to read it, go to Alice or her fifth elder brother; however, Alice’s fifth elder brother saw Jimmy right, and Jimmy has not forgotten them up to this date.

Alice didn’t accept Jimmy’s date until Christmas Eve. On this night, Alice accepted Jimmy’s date, but she had to bring her roommate; this night they went to the bowling alley. Although it was a dark night, Jimmy felt bright everywhere open and wide. Jimmy has forgotten the girl’s name and assumes a name Janice for her. But it’s not bad, because it’s Christmas Eve, Alice promised Jimmy that after the semester was over, Jimmy could go north with them to visit Alice’s parents. Janice’s home was in the city adjacent to Alice’s home.

Alice’s father had a tall figure like Jimmy, and his face was very similar to the famous American movie star Gregory Peck. Alice’s mother was like Shirley Yamaguchi; indeed, as Alice said: her mother is Japanese. Jimmy once asked Alice if she could be an aboriginal resident of the AliShan Tsou tribe; Alice just smiled and didn’t answer. Immediately afterwards, Jimmy began to babble nonsense. In Taiwan, if you trace the lineage of good-looking people, you will find that their ancestors include ethnic minorities in China, Ainu in Japan, Takayama tribe in Taiwan, or a mixture of white blood. In Chinese dynasties, the minorities and the Han people took turns as emperors. In mainland China, if you can’t be classified as a minority; no matter you are naturalized white, black or black and white mixed, you are counted as Han. The so-called Han is a big mixed race. The source of the Han was basically Tibetan and Qiang mixed with other original locals. This is why Sino-Tibetan is the same language family. There are many reasons why Chinese people become ugly; beautiful women were wasted and ruined in the harem and big families with wives and concubines. Moreover, modern people advocate Western images, and the styles of clothing stores are displayed in the models of western images. In mainland China, there are more men than women; in Russia, there are more women than men; mainland men learn Russian, then they don’t need to pay bride price to marry a wife, which is great. However, Jimmy thinks that the yellow race is more evolved, because the body hair is less, and the skin is smoother. Moreover, it is relatively straight from the side, which proves that standing upright is longer. However, in order to serve the motherland, mainland men have to sacrifice themselves and to marry fox fairies.

Jimmy was talking nonsense up to here, I really couldn’t stand it, and said to him: "You think Han people are ugly! Are you and I not Han people!?". Jimmy was stunned for a moment and said: "Yes or maybe not, it’s just that you don’t check, don’t want to check, or can’t find out, or want to cover up. If you want to regain your self-esteem, first change the models in the clothing store into images of Han people." and argued: just like what Frank Jia of `miscellaneous speeches under maple trees` has often done off-topic (digression). Indeed, I have often watched Frank Jia’s videos, they are quite advanced, and it is recommended to watch more; I like these digressions. Then Jimmy continues his nonsense.

Jimmy had a classmate who had been in the same class or school for many years: Kent. After working in the United States, Jimmy took the course of Professor Robert, who is Kent’s doctoral supervisor. Professor Robert is a Jew. Professor Robert said to Jimmy: there are many naturalized Jews in China, some are naturalized in ancient times, some are naturalized in modern times; Kent is a naturalized Jew. Jimmy was a little surprised, because no classmates knew that he was a Jew. Kent’s father had been the commander of the Air Force Training Command Headquarter. After completing the reserve officer military service, Kent immediately went abroad to study in the United States. Before Kent went abroad, Jimmy went to his house to see him off. Kent’s father saw that Jimmy was such a sloppy guy and was a little displeased; he asked Kent: "Who is he?"; Kent replied: "He is Baizi’s younger brother."; Baizi (Cripple) was the nickname of Jimmy’s elder brother. Kent asked Jimmy: "Do you want to go abroad?". Jimmy replied: "No.". Many years later, Kent met Jimmy in New Jersey and asked: "What a surprise! You come here too?! Originally, we wanted to lend you a security deposit.". At that time, a security deposit was required to go abroad at one’s own expense; a family like Jimmy, if he did not apply for a scholarship, it would not be easy to make up the money. Indeed, the members of the Kent family are all quite good-looking, with a straight high nose bridge; the naturalized Jews are all counted as the Han nationality.

There are places in China where there are traces of Sumerian civilization; Jews also have traces of Sumerian civilization; Japanese language has traces of Hebrew; the world is one family. Besides, don’t think about revenge all day because of the hatred of the Anti-Japanese War. Please think about the history of China, do you still hate Mongolian and Manchu compatriots? It is better to integrate them peacefully. Jimmy opposes fighting and killing and opposes the use of force to solve the Taiwan issue. Jimmy agrees with Schoolmaster Chang Ya-Chung’s integration theory, but Jimmy has a common sense about the political system and believes that integration means unity. The integration of China advocated by Jimmy is forward-looking and convenient for peaceful integration and expansion. The essence of this theory is to respect the status quo, respect the respective political entities, and peacefully integrate all political entities into one country; regardless of ideology, political system, size, strength or weakness, we can respect each other, help each other, promote each other, coexist and prosper peacefully in the same country. Jimmy was talking nonsense to this point, then paused for a moment, and said to me: "Hey! Have you published the few posts about the integration of China that I told you about?". I replied to Jimmy: " No one wants it, so it can only be put on my Facebook and my UDN blog.". Then, I asked again: "Do you have anything else to say about the two sides of the Taiwan Strait?". Jimmy replied: "Since no one wants to hear about it, it’s useless to talk too much, so stop now.”.

note: It is said that people of AliShan Tsou tribe were mixed with a lot of Hollanders who escaped into mountains in Taiwan when they were beaten by Chinese more than three hundred years ago.

Dolour(IX) 忉(九)

When Jimmy went north this time, he not only visited Alice’s parents, but also Alice’s family. Basically: the gentlemen didn’t give Jimmy a good face, and the ladies all sympathized with Jimmy. After returning from the north, in order to date Alice conveniently, Jimmy earned money to get a second-hand motorcycle. In fact, this motorcycle was half-sold and half-given by Jimmy’s brother-in-law. Accompanying Alice to visit her youngest elder brother in prison started Jimmy’s second semester life of the first year of graduate school. Alice and Jimmy wanted to visit her eldest brother, but they gave up because he was locked up in a restricted outer island. At that time, Alice’s immediate family members were only her eldest brother and sister whom Jimmy had never seen. Moreover, Alice also met Dr. Rui, who is Jimmy’s maternal uncle. So far, Alice and Jimmy had met each other’s parents. When Jimmy was still in elementary school, Dr. Rui retired from the Air Force Hospital and moved to the south of Taoyuan City to open a hospital. Alice’s elder brother was a late famous writer in Taiwan; he was once publicly praised for promoting the peaceful reunification of the two sides of the Taiwan Strait; when he passed away in 2016, Jimmy sent an email of condolences, but it was ignored. After all, Alice’s eldest brother is someone Jimmy admired. If Jimmy and Alice were not separated, Jimmy would be a good helper for Alice’s eldest brother. A life is always decided at the turning point!

Due to the advantage of having a motorcycle, Jimmy took Alice to a reservoir lake some distance from the school shortly after visiting Alice’s youngest elder brother; This reservoir was built in the DaoGuang years of the Qing Dynasty. Although it was once listed as one of Taiwan’s scenic spots during the Japanese colonial period, it was being renovated at that time and prepared to become a scenic spot. The shape of the lake is very irregular; a large piece of land protrudes from the northeast to the southwest of the lake, forming a huge peninsula; the tip of the peninsula was built during the Japanese colonial era as a suspension bridge; the suspension bridge extends southwest to a small island in the lake. The peninsula is a small hill; there was a dirt road that spirals upwards to the top of the hill; where the dirt road began to spiral upwards there was a fork to the starting point of the suspension bridge; the top of the hill was a large piece of land that could build a big house. Because there were workers busily working, Jimmy took Alice motorbiking around the lake for a round and then circled to the dirt platform at the top of the hill; viewed the surrounding lake from this dirt platform. Jimmy thought the scenery was good and thought it would be better to roam the lake in the morning or evening; especially, standing on the suspension bridge to enjoy the lake at sunrise and sunset, the scenery will definitely be intoxicating. However, Alice did not want to go out alone with Jimmy at night after the ChengQing lake tour. Therefore, their lake viewing trip this time was mainly a chat of one hour or two on this dirt platform.

As Alice said something interesting about her high school days, Jimmy remembered that a pair of sisters, Jimmy’s distant relatives, about her age also graduated from this high school; therefore, asked her if she knew them. Alice replied contemptuously: "So they are your cousins!". Alice also talked about her elder sister’s pre-marriage relationship; it was broken because of her father’s disapproval; then the man went abroad and married an American girl. Jimmy still remembers performing a famous song `How Can I Help but Think of Her` that Yi-Kwei Sze had sung before, especially for Alice on this dirt platform. I guess Jimmy was not playing tricks this time, because he seemed to feel that Alice wanted to break up. Alice was a member of the college choir at that time. When Alice knew that Jimmy was self-taught, she suggested that Jimmy join the choir. Before leaving this lake, because Jimmy felt that the dirt platform was big enough to fly a kite, said to Alice: "Hope to fly a kite here one day!?". Alice did not answer the question directly, but just told him: Alice received a letter and photos from her friend in the United States a few days ago, and vividly described the scene of the Statue of Liberty in the photo. Alice said with a gleam of hope in her eyes: "My friend wants me to go to America!".

During Jimmy’s second semester of the first graduate school year, the scene of Alice sitting on the back seat of Jimmy’s motorcycle with her right arm around Jimmy’s waist going in and out of the campus must have been envied and hated by many schoolmates. Jimmy thought this way because his classmates persuaded him not to treat it as a `Roman Holiday`. I think Jimmy is too naive; Jimmy and Alice were basically not in the same love class; she was an old driver, and he was just a young bud. His classmates were just trying to persuade him not to waste time.

Dolour(X) 忉(十)

On Children’s Day when Jimmy was in the first year of graduate school, Jimmy’s younger sister got married. Immediately after, Jimmy’s elder brother got married; this was really a good season for marriage. Although Alice and Jimmy only went out alone during the day, when there was no one around, making out a little was inevitable. Jimmy told me: He often felt terrible, like a pistol growing out of his body that would fire instantly. Jimmy took Alice to the weddings of his sister and also brother. Almost every relative and friend of Jimmy had seen Alice. All of them said to Jimmy with envious eyes: "When will it be your turn?" Jimmy told me: He always wanted to marry Alice at any time; as long as she wanted to, he would get married at any time. Jimmy and Alice suffered a lot only because of Alice’s father’s objection. Jimmy countered my comments about his foolish act with Boss Liu’s daughter; and said to me: "If we were in America, we would have been married; there wouldn’t be so much shit like sufferings!!". Indeed, as long as you love each other and you can support your livelihood independently, basically, no parents will object; there are not so many Chinese rules and regulations for marriage in the United States. Then he said to me: "If Betty hesitates like Alice, I will never get married!". Betty, Jimmy’s wife, didn’t care about a lot of gossip back then, and married just because of love; however, she suffered from Jimmy’s bad temperament a lot; of course, who to blame for her being a Christian. Who said that!?; Only love at first sight can produce love; Could it be that the Qing Dynasty genius Nalan Xingde missed his wife not because of love? As long as you can solidly accomplish the first sentence of `1 Corinthians 13; verses 4-8`: `Love is patient, love is kind`, the other half’s love for you will never leave, or the other half’s love for you will begin; of course, except your other half is a callous beast, then apartness is the best.

After Jimmy’s family moved to the official Air Force Dependents’ Village diagonally across from the elementary school, Jimmy’s family had relatively large land because it was the furthest house. Therefore, they built extra rooms at their own expense: bedrooms, kitchen and bathroom. Jimmy’s elder brother used to live in the added house; after he got married, they moved to the main house; Jimmy moved to live in the added house. Jimmy’s house was numbered `13`; Jimmy’s last residence in mainland China was `13, Guangming Village, Jiangning Road, Shanghai`; Jimmy left the mainland from number `13`, and left Taiwan from number `13` again. After leaving Taiwan for more than 40 years, when he first returned to Taiwan, the house had been demolished; after leaving mainland China, Jimmy never went back. Jimmy thinks it is an insult to have to pay visa fees to return to his own birthplace. When the mainland and Taiwan can be peacefully reunited with equal status, if Jimmy is still alive, will go back naturally.

After attending his elder brother’s wedding banquet, Jimmy said to Alice: he, himself, wanted to get married soon. Actually, after visiting Alice’s youngest elder brother, Alice had agreed to marry Jimmy just waiting for her father’s blessing. Alice said to Jimmy once: "I’m going to die!". Jimmy couldn’t understand; Alice didn’t explain. As a result, Jimmy’s younger sister told Jimmy: The meaning of the girl saying this is `too bad! falling in love with a man who shouldn’t be loved!`. After a period of time, Alice decided to make a private decision with Jimmy for life; Jimmy decided on May 20; and then Jimmy let his mother know the result.

It was noon when Jimmy arrived home with Alice, and no one was home; the added extension bedroom where Jimmy lived was immaculate, and Jimmy’s bed was covered with crisp sky blue and white sheets. Alice stood on the side of the bed against the wall and said repeatedly: "Not do it, OK?!"; Jimmy sat on the side of the bed away from the wall and said again and again: "Do it!", and from time to time said: "You just don’t want to marry me!". After a long period of struggle, Alice automatically and hesitantly took off her clothes piece by piece slowly until...

Jimmy looked at it stupidly, as if looking at a complete and motionless Venus sculpture. No, classmates said that she looked like Venus, but she was much more beautiful than Venus! Venus is thick and mature, but she is pure and fresh. Jimmy forgot how long this went on; one stood motionless, the other sat motionless. Suddenly, Jimmy stood up quickly and quickly took off his remaining few clothes; embracing her of blushing face, fell into the bed like a pair of locked rockets; a ball of flames covered a ray of tenderness; a whimper, a burst of twitches, a few soft caws and two sighs. Both of them had completed relieved like a mission; she quickly picked up the dress and underwear and ran into the bathroom, while he was lying on the bed to fill the bullet; after a while, he walked to the door of the bathroom; he couldn’t open it, so he had to stand by the window and look at her ...

She came out of the bathroom fully dressed. No matter how much he pestered her, she stopped him and asked him to take her back to school. In the end, he had to do as she said, since that day was Wednesday.

note: Nalan Xingde (納蘭性德) was a genius, a famous writer in the Qing Dynasty. His first love was his female cousin, but his cousin became one of emperor’s wives. Hence, his marriage was arranged by his parents.

Dolour(XI) 忉(十一)

Returning to school after accomplishing a major event in his life, Jimmy became more irritable. Jimmy had watched such a beautiful naked body of Alice; had touched such a white and smooth skin; had entered such a goddess-like body. Such a fairy-like experience made Jimmy like a motor that had just ignited, and it was difficult to stop; Jimmy felt that his blood was surging when he saw her. But Alice was like escaping from the gun sentence, and she no longer wanted to go out alone with Jimmy again; such a change made Jimmy would rather be the one who was shot and killed. Although Jimmy’s mother had just retired from the Air Force, the family didn’t need Jimmy’s help at that time. Since Jimmy was working part-time in a nearby industrial college, Jimmy was able to get married and start a family. But Alice only wanted to get married after graduation, and also under the blessing of her father.

It was already summer vacation to go home again. Jimmy’s mother asked Jimmy: "Did you do it?"; Jimmy replied: "What do you mean? Of course, I did it!"; Mother looked at Jimmy suspiciously. Then, Jimmy’s mother said: Jimmy’s distant cousin revealed; Alice liked to have boyfriends when she was in high school, and she took two times of college entrance examination before she got in. Therefore, Jimmy called to mind what Laodou told him about Alice. In order to understand, Jimmy went north to meet her at a sports field near Alice’s house; Jimmy remembers sitting with Alice on the stairs of the auditorium and talking for an hour or two, then Jimmy went south and went home.

Alice admitted that what Laodou said was all right; the person who raped her was an elder known to her family; she never told any of her family members; she did not answer the reason why she broke up with Laodou. So far, Jimmy had figured it out: When deciding with Alice whether to do this major life event on May 20th, why did she think that `doing` would lead to a `breakup`. Even so, Jimmy still wanted to marry her after returning to school from the summer vacation, Jimmy firmly believed she’s innocent; but Jimmy’s mother thought Alice differently.

Jimmy’s mother was about 30 years old when she saw Jimmy’s father last time; she never remarried and never had an affair; she was born in a noble family; her great-great- grandfather was the Taifu (emperor’s teacher) of Qing Dynasty. Although due to the national salvation work during the Anti-Japanese War, Jimmy’s mother did not go to college after high school graduation, but her views on some issues were very strict and unfashionable. Jimmy was scolded when he went to Alice’s house during the winter vacation because Jimmy was not a Christian. Although Jimmy’s mother was displeased, it would not prevent Jimmy from converting to Christianity for marriage, because Jimmy’s father was a Christian. Therefore, Jimmy believes that it was not because of religious differences that prevents Jimmy from marrying Alice. Jimmy believes that: violated girls should let their parents know immediately, and any offender who violates the girl should be severely punished. Jimmy’s narration starts to digress here:

One day after Jimmy’s family’s moving to the earthen wall house in the Air Force Hospital, Jimmy’s mother fainted on the bed due to high blood pressure; Doctor Qin rushed to rescue her, and Doctor Qin’s head banged heavily on the ledge of the broken entry door; Doctor Qin was definitely injured very badly; he didn’t care about himself at all, he only cared about taking care of Jimmy’s mother; Jimmy still bleeds in his heart for Doctor Qin whenever his thinking of this scene. Since having the nurse’s apartment, Jimmy’s mother let a classmate of Jimmy surnamed Chou live in the extra earthen wall house. Because of classmate Chou’s mother’s remarriage, classmate Chou often suffered from mental illness; no one wanted to be close to him; Jimmy’s mother took him in. Classmate Chou’s mother also changed her surname, which led to classmate Chou being schizophrenic. The society at that time had too high demands on women, and it was too unfair.

Dolour(XII) 忉(十二)

After returning to school from the summer vacation, the relationship between Jimmy and Alice began to change. Although Jimmy was in pain, he was unwilling to disobey his mother’s wishes, Jimmy rarely dated Alice. One day, Alice suddenly told Jimmy: Alice’s father no longer required Jimmy to believe in Christianity as a condition of marriage; although Alice’s parents didn’t think Jimmy was toying with Alice, she was not allowed to go out with Jimmy until her graduation. If Alice ever told her parents what happened that day in bed, no one would think Jimmy had sexual experience; and, she said that she was as innocent as Jimmy; of course, Jimmy never doubted her innocence, because Jimmy was also a character in the play. Then, after a long time when Jimmy dated Alice again, Alice only said a few words to Jimmy and left; Alice said: She would not go abroad, she would only be with her father, because she regretted what she did with Jimmy and broke her father’s heart. Although Jimmy felt strange, Jimmy did not ask, besides, whether or not Alice wanted to go abroad had nothing to do with Jimmy marrying her. This was the last date between Jimmy and Alice.

Because Jimmy’s mother prevented his dating Alice, and Alice’s father taught her not to go out with Jimmy before graduation, Jimmy didn’t date Alice again. About a month later, at dusk, Jimmy passed the road in front of Guangfu campus on a motorcycle, he met Alice walking on the road with a tall, thin and handsome hydraulic engineering student; Jimmy yelled at Alice and then rode away. This was the last contact between Jimmy and Alice. Then, the boyfriend of Alice’s roommate, who was a civil engineering student, loudly scolded Jimmy whenever he met Jimmy: "Get rid of such a beautiful girlfriend, you will regret it and be damned!".

Such misunderstandings and hurts came not only from schoolmates but also from professors, which Jimmy never explained. For example, after graduation, Jimmy asked Professor Shen, who was Jimmy’s boss when he was a teaching assistant, to write a recommendation letter; Professor Shen said: "Your conduct is not good, write it yourself!". Not bad! Jimmy graduated successfully, and his graduation thesis won the thesis award of the National Society of Engineers in the department. On the day of the graduation ceremony, Jimmy’s mother and Jimmy met Alice’s parents in the square outside the auditorium after the ceremony; the two sides looked at each other silently from a distance without going any further; this was the last time Jimmy saw Alice’s parents.

When I wrote this, I couldn’t listen to it anymore, and said to Jimmy: "You bastard! You are the one who wants to get rid of Alice! Why don’t you go and greet Alice’s parents!". Jimmy replied: "I’m afraid of her father! Besides, my mother didn’t want me to go!". I asked Jimmy again: "Why don’t you go say goodbye to Alice? Don’t you have any feelings of dislike for her?". Jimmy paused for a while, it seems that he wanted to go back to the past, and then continued his narration. Jimmy has a strong inferiority complex; at that time, he thought that the relationship between Alice and Laodou was not superficial. Otherwise, why would Laodou know private matters that Alice would not necessarily tell her parents and besties? Moreover, Alice did not answer her matter with Laodou, and said that Laodou had told her: Jimmy understood and accepted her past; indeed, Jimmy’s roommate in the graduate student dormitory, Laodou’s buddy, also knew about it. At that time, Jimmy was entangled in the struggle with his own thoughts all day long; when Jimmy felt too painful, he often talked to a senior student in the Department of Civil Engineering who was staying in the graduate student dormitory; Although the student was younger but very mature, he pointed out that Jimmy lacked self-confidence and said that Laodou and his buddy were not as good as Jimmy. Furthermore, Jimmy was disappointed by Alice’s association with that handsome hydraulic engineering student; Jimmy’s mother’s first comment on Alice made Jimmy worry about the final outcome of his possible marriage with Alice; indeed, after graduation, Jimmy wanted to stop thinking about Alice, but obviously Jimmy overestimated himself.

In any case, as long as Alice didn’t listen to her parents, and was willing to be alone with Jimmy and then got married; all these things were not considered a thing; moreover, both siblings were married and Jimmy really wanted to get married; Jimmy was just a simple and unsophisticated guy, it was like an enlightenment at that time, and he really wanted to get married so much.

Dolour(XIII) 忉(十三)

After graduation, Jimmy went north to work in a research institution near his maternal uncle Dr. Rui’s house. At that time, Lucy, the eldest daughter of Jimmy’s elder brother, was nearly one year old; his elder brother did not have a stable job and his mother had retired; Jimmy handed in his mother all his income except for necessary personal use. Indeed, what Alice said to Jimmy on the dirt platform by the lake with the suspension bridge and the light of hope in her eyes once ignited Jimmy’s idea of going abroad. However, Jimmy dared not think in that direction, because going abroad needed a lot of money. What’s more, two graduate school classmates, a Manchu named Dong and a Uighur named Ye, thought about starting a business every day; this idea was also very attractive to Jimmy. Among the people working in this research institution, there were many postgraduate students who came back from different foreign countries; Jimmy admired their knowledge and envied their experience abroad; some colleagues revealed that certain schools were easy to provide financial support. Therefore, Jimmy began to apply for opportunities to study abroad after working for half a year; two years later, Jimmy got admission and financial support, but he could only enroll in the next school year. Apart from informing his mother, the only thing Jimmy thought of was to take Alice for a walk abroad.

Jimmy immediately called Alice’s home; Alice’s father said: "Why are you so cruel? You ruined her! Love is giving, not taking! I can’t control it, let her decide!"; Alice’s mother said: "Why didn’t you come earlier? She never tried a date or made friends when she came home!". Although Jimmy knew that the people who really ruined Alice were friends, relatives or neighbors of Alice’s father, Jimmy didn’t explain, because of the fear of Alice’s father. He didn’t call Alice’s house again and didn’t dare to go to Alice’s house. Then he could only find Janice, Alice’s roommate who made Christmas Eve as bright as day; Janice was a teacher at that time, she did not agree to ask Alice out for Jimmy; and told Jimmy: Alice was engaged by arrangement of her parents to the son of her father’s friend, a better man than Jimmy, who had returned from America. Jimmy was very broken, so he went to the psychiatry department of a top university hospital in Taiwan; after asking for all the information about Jimmy, the doctor suggested that Jimmy should not go abroad and should find someone to marry.

Due to Jimmy’s depression, Jimmy’s mother, without Jimmy’s knowledge, went to Alice’s house to talk about marriage. Alice’s father disagreed and asked Jimmy to believe in Christianity first, but Jimmy’s mother refused this request; Alice’s mother said it was a bit late. Jimmy’s mother waited for Alice outside Alice’s house without the knowledge of Alice’s parents; Jimmy’s mother said to Alice: Jimmy was still thinking of Alice; Alice immediately burst into tears. Jimmy’s mother told Jimmy all this information and thought that Alice was still in love with Jimmy; and that Jimmy could hide outside Alice’s house and find a chance to talk to Alice directly. Jimmy thought that since Alice had an excellent fiancé, why dragged her into the mud; the situation of Jimmy’s family had not improved, and Jimmy’s mother had a dominant and controlling personality; let her go!

At this point, I asked Jimmy why his mother didn’t go to Alice’s house earlier to talk about marriage? He replied: mother didn’t allow Jimmy to marry Alice; mother didn’t want Jimmy to go abroad but knew that Alice could stop Jimmy from going abroad. In fact, all of Jimmy’s friends, relatives and classmates advised Jimmy not to go abroad; Jimmy’s high school best classmate named Lin was the last person Jimmy visited before going abroad; Lin advised Jimmy not to go abroad; classmate Lin indifferently told Jimmy that they wanted to go to bed, then Jimmy left dazed under the unhappy atmosphere. In fact, Jimmy was very hesitant before going abroad; if he could get married, he did not want to go abroad; moreover, except for the airfare and the necessary emergency money, he had handed over the money he earned in Taiwan to his mother; in addition, Jimmy realized that he was immature and easily controlled by his mother; if he did not leave his mother, Jimmy would not be able to have a normal life; in the end, Jimmy left Taiwan for freedom; at this time, Jimmy was approaching his thirties.

Basically, Jimmy trusted the doctor’s advice. The best medicine for a broken love relationship is to find a new love relationship! Jimmy met a beautiful girl who graduated from a Catholic university in northern Taiwan because of taking lessons in English conversation; she just started working at a company near the house of Dr. Rui, Jimmy’s maternal uncle. She and Jimmy got engaged within a month of knowing each other; then she immediately annulled the engagement, because Jimmy wanted to get married and didn’t want to go abroad immediately. Before Jimmy resigned and left the research institute where he worked, the officer who censored thoughts in the personnel department led Jimmy to sit on the lawn inside the institute compound at dusk and chatted, and asked Jimmy casually about his plans to go abroad. Jimmy replied: I would like to return to work for this institute after learning the knowledge and experience related to this institute. He smiled and said: "You are a Liar!". But he didn’t know that in the future, Jimmy would ruin his career, almost ruin his marriage, and damage his health because of this promise. When Jimmy went through the formalities for going abroad at the Security Investigation Headquarters, he not only happened to meet Laodou but also the dejected deputy department head Chang. Mr. Chang was the immediate boss of Jimmy in this research institution, and a master who had returned from studying abroad at public expense; because his personnel department review was not good enough, he encountered the trouble of not being able to go abroad.

Jimmy’s father’s police officer classmates in Taiwan were either high-ranking police officers or government officials, or entertainment tycoon. When he was just in college, Jimmy had no interest in the majors he was studying and wanted to develop in the entertainment industry; so, he joined the drama club. But this club was dominated by the Department of Architecture at that time, and Jimmy was only assigned a small role; due to the sudden death of the tycoon uncle, Jimmy did not continue this dream; according to the comments of the parents of the students tutored by Jimmy, Jimmy had the potential to go this way. Two or three years before Jimmy went abroad, Jimmy used to go to the house of his father’s police officer classmate Uncle Jia to disturb him; Uncle Jia and Mama Jia were the most helpful to Jimmy’s family. Except for Mama Jia, no elders agreed with Jimmy’s going abroad. Uncle Jia heard that Jimmy could sing, but he felt that Jimmy’s voice was not touching; therefore, Uncle Jia asked Jimmy to perform a song; Jimmy only sang a short part; Uncle Jia immediately advised Jimmy not to go abroad, but to develop in the entertainment industry; Uncle Jia was a high-ranking official in the police force, and he promised to find a famous teacher to train Jimmy; but Jimmy didn’t consider it because he was leaving the country soon and was approaching his thirties. On the day Jimmy went abroad, it was Uncle Jia who personally drove the equipped police car, and took Mama Jia, Jimmy’s mother, and Jimmy to Songshan Airport to see Jimmy off. Uncle Jia said only one sentence at the end: "Alas! Another gone!". Sorry! Jimmy owes Uncle Jia and Mama Jia too much; just keep in mind forever.

(Afterword) (後語)

 

Jimmy was convinced that Alice claimed: she would not go abroad so that she could accompany her father; however, to Jimmy’s surprise, Alice and her spouse went abroad almost at the same time as Jimmy. Alice and her spouse had been engaged in the restaurant industry in the United States; her spouse passed away quite a few years ago; Alice now lives in the small town where Jimmy’s mother lived for about 20 years until her death, about half an hour’s drive from Jimmy’s house.

Jimmy never thought of converting his mother’s lunar birthday to the Gregorian calendar. Because There are too many coincidences, Jimmy suddenly found out that Alice’s birthday is the same as her mother’s; only the age difference is 30 years. Jimmy rejected my suggestion to drive him to see Alice; and said that reunion cannot make up for the lack of origin, and it will ruin the peace of each other’s status quo. However, Jimmy sent some emails to Alice; wanting her to know the truth. In fact, when Jimmy was preparing to return to Taiwan several years ago, he asked DaiWei about Alice’s contact Information. The last time Jimmy saw Alice, a classmate of DaiWei’s hydraulic engineering department, was walking with her on the road. DaiWei and his wife knew Alice very well; and Jimmy’s wife, Betty, and DaiWei and his wife are church members who are in constant contact. DaiWei did not disclose information about Alice to Jimmy but told Jimmy: because of the past between Jimmy and Alice, Janice was so coldly in love that she was unmarried; Jimmy regrets this and thinks that Janice was a good-looking and lovely girl. Since Alice didn’t answer the email, Jimmy didn’t continue; about half a year later, in mid-May, Betty suddenly said to Jimmy who was playing on the computer upstairs when she was studying the Bible with fellow believers on ZONE: "Hi! She still hasn’t forgotten you and says if I treat you badly, she wants you back.". Jimmy pressed Betty: "What are you talking about?". Betty didn’t answer. Jimmy sent an email titled `old in a flash` to Alice on 5/20, including NanTing Liu saxophone performance `old in a flash` and two photos of Jimmy and Betty: one is a wedding photo of Jimmy and Betty to be taken on more than four years after the date that Alice got married, and the other is a photo of Jimmy and Betty’s outing more than a month ago, and the attached text is as follows:

I have a feeling: she seems to know that I sent you emails last year. She knows a couple from church who are in constant contact with her. They, the couple, are both alumni of X University and know you. Actually, when she married me, she already knew about you. She is one year younger than you, and she is the younger sister of my college classmate’s wife. The matchmaker is also my college classmate, the matchmaker’s wife is an overseas Chinese student who once lived in the female dormitory of X University, and the couple both know you. Basically, she knows that in my heart, you are the de facto fiancée who was forcibly separated. She is my butler, a good helper. We rely on each other.

When I was in junior middle school, I personally helped a pair of infertile neighbors to bring back a baby girl. The neighbor named the baby girl according to the Chinese translation of a foreign name. The baby girl’s name was actually the same as her English name. Moreover, the foreign name I gave for my eldest daughter is actually the same as your foreign name. There seems to be some kind of connection in life.

As long as you and she don’t object, I will send you an email on this date in my lifetime. Finally, send two photos reflecting the title `Old in a flash`.

After a while, suddenly one day, Betty was very angry and said to Jimmy: "What did you do to her to make her very sad?"; Jimmy asked Betty: "What are you talking about?"; Betty again had no answer. After a while, Betty and Jimmy went to send DaiWei and his wife back to Taiwan to settle down. Jimmy wanted to clarify some questions with DaiWei; of course, Jimmy also knew that DaiWei would not give a clear answer; only in the end vaguely said to Jimmy: "She said she missed you!". DaiWei’s wife finally asked Jimmy: "Do you want to see her again?"; Jimmy replied: "No."; DaiWei’s wife replied: "I’ll tell her you don’t want to.". Three weeks after sending DaiWei and his wife back to Taiwan, Jimmy sent an email to Alice with the title "Whom have I in heaven but you" to congratulate Alice on her birthday, and attached the following text:

Dedicate this song for your 7x birthday: Whom have I in heaven but you (Psalm 73:25-26) Composer: Tracie (Liangzhen) Lin.

Three weeks ago, she and I went to send DaiWei and his wife back to Taiwan to settle down. The DaiWei and his wife are the church couple who know you and whom she often contacts. I specially told DaiWei privately about the emails I sent to you last year and how I feel she seemed to know about it. DaiWei’s answer was she couldn’t possibly know about it. In other words, DaiWei and his wife didn’t know that I sent you emails last year. However, from other conversations and expressions afterwards, I found that DaiWei not only knows but also knows the contents of my emails to you. You have never replied to my emails to you, yet DaiWei knows the contents of my emails to you. If I still contact you every 5/20, it will be an obsession that goes against my original intention.

Although I didn’t tell her I emailed you last year, I told her I tried to contact you a few years ago because I thought you should know the reason and the truth of why we are fated not to be a couple. I don’t care what others’ opinions about me are - start messing and end abandoning, but I care about what you think and how you feel. Now it doesn’t matter if I tell her again about sending emails to you last year, or not.

Finally, Jimmy said: `First Love` is `初戀` in Chinese; the radical of Chinese character `初` is `刀`; the radical of Chinese character `戀` is `心` or `忄`; combining radicals of both Chinese characters into a Chinese character `忉` which means `Dolour`.  `First Love` (初戀) ends up `Dolour Nostalgia` (忉念). Jimmy also wrote the lyrics for a famous Chinese song `Deep in My Heart` (我心深處) composed by Steven Liu (劉家昌) and submitted to the comment column of saxophone music `我心深處` YouTube video performed by Luo Hailong (羅海龍) as follows:

我心深處  詞:吉彌  曲:劉家昌

情緣一段 沉在心深處

耄耋之年 得巧遇她的訊息

相距不遠 卻難續意重見

情忉已渡 甯願洴澼在懷念

x 1

映紅落日 暮色流年

浮起了多少 年青的愛戀

往日的相聚 猶如在眼前

然而再想一想 已過去幾十年

莫怨蒼天 常不隨人心願

惟有祈盼 願她歡樂慶餘年

x 2

lyrics translated as follows:

Deep in My Heart   lyrics: Jimmy    composer: Steven Liu

fated a love affair    sunk in deep of my heart

being an old man    get happened meet her message

apart not far away    but hard to keep the wish of seeing again

love eddy having been ferried    rather washing silks at the yearn shore

x 1

red setting sun    twilight flowing time

floating up so many    young vivid love memories

the past getting together    as if in front of my eyes

but thinking it over again    many decades having been passed

not blaming on heaven    often not following people’s wishes

only pray for her    wish her joyful glory remaining years

x 2