冰可樂與溫開水(王文華)

不知道從什麼時候開始，我最喜歡的飲料從冰可樂，變成溫開水。                                                                                          
                                                                                                                                                     
 更明確地說，從冰可樂、黑咖啡、麻辣鍋，變成溫開水、熱牛奶、地瓜稀飯。                                                                                
                                                                                                                                                     
 如果到咖啡廳，不能只點溫開水怎麼辦？那就來杯「無咖啡因」的咖啡吧。                                                                                  
 「要不要甜點」？我搖頭笑笑，好像服務生問的是：「要不要出軌？」                                                                                      
                                                                                                                                                     
 找到位子坐下來，咖啡冷得特別快。也不知道是因為咖啡冷了，還是嫌四周太吵，坐不到五分鐘，我就走了。                                                    
                                                                                                                                                     
 走在大街，反而舒服。我可以這樣走半小時，惦記著醫生說走路是最好的運動方式。                                                                          
                                                                                                                                                     
 走回家，一身汗。沖澡前先把水龍頭打開，水變熱了才跳進浴缸。洗的過程不再哼歌，忙著摸身上有沒有腫塊。                                                  
 沖不到三分鐘，腳底積滿了水。該死，掉落的頭髮又把出水口堵住了。                                                                                      
                                                                                                                                                     
 沖完澡趕緊穿上衣服，免得受涼。坐在床上，我突然了解到：                                                                                              
                                                                                                                                                     
 OH MY GOD，我是中年人了！                                                                                                                           
                                                                                                                                                     
 我跳起來，像逃離命案現場。誰說我是中年人？我只是「成熟」了！                                                                                        
                                                                                                                                                     
 「成熟」？噗吃，我想唬誰？「成熟」是新聞稿上的用詞，「老」才是日記上會出現的字。                                                                    
                                                                                                                                                     
 別被報紙騙了！報紙標題或行銷術語會稱你為「熟男」，只有健檢報告才敢直接說「老化」。                                                                  
                                                                                                                                                     
 誰願意老呢？誰願意承認自己步入中年了呢？我可以用落健、敷面膜、打肉毒桿菌、穿淺色衣服、搜集Hello Kitty、玩線上遊戲、買設計師的球鞋、取俏皮的MSN代號，
 但這些都掩蓋不了以下的事實：                                                                                                                        
 以前到女校參加聯誼，現在到女校參加家長會。以前可以在公車上看漫畫，現在要往後傾才看得到小標題。                                                      
 以前10點才出門，現在10點就想睡。以前一覺睡到12點，現在6點就醒來，半夜要起來上兩次小號，但大號卻兩天不來。                                           
 以前看的是「MTV」的影片，現在看的是「MRI」的影片。以前只在乎晚餐有沒有肉，現在要注意晚餐有不有機。                                                  
 以前到7-11買東西看價錢，現在第一眼看卡路里。                                                                                                        
                                                                                                                                                     
 我們這群五年級同學，今年39歲了。不管以古今中外或現代醫學任何寬鬆的標準，我們都已晉升為「中年人」。大家的家庭狀況、財富地位大不相同，但在「老化」這件
 事上，卻出奇地公平。                                                                                                                                
                                                                                                                                                     
 剛認識時，15歲，最常見面的場合是西門町的冰宮。談的是：「聽說誰偷騎摩托車」、「聽說誰帶馬子去墮胎」。溜完冰後堵在一樓電梯口，等著女校的學生走出來。  
                                                                                                                                                     
 大學畢業，20出頭，最常見面的場合是婚禮。談的是：「聽說誰和女友分手了」、「聽說誰最近出國了」。婚禮後會鬧洞房，鬧完洞房再殺到「Room 18」。           
                                                                                                                                                     
 30多歲，最常見面的場合是醫院。婦產科病房中，談的是：「聽說誰離婚了」、「聽說誰在做人工受孕」。探望半小時後大家識趣地離開，一起去吃手工餅乾喝下午茶。
                                                                                                                                                     
                                                                                                                                                     
 現在，最常見面的場合是喪禮。第一殯儀館中，談的是：「聽說誰也走了」、「聽說誰得了cancer」。鞠完躬後，大家趕去上班，相約星期天上午去爬陽明山，最好是走
 能出汗的「十八份」。                                                                                                                                
                                                                                                                                                     
 從「Room 18」到「十八份」，我這個世代的「五陵少年」，就這樣變成了「Dirty Old Men」。                                                                
                                                                                                                                                     
 會變成「老不修」，因為中年男人喜歡年輕女人。                                                                                                        
                                                                                                                                                     
 男人到了中年，一切都變少：話語、頭髮、睪固酮、女友的歲數。                                                                                          
                                                                                                                                                     
 我們高中偷騎摩托車時，曾唾棄那些開賓士車載美眉的老男人。我們幻想自己是鐵達尼號的窮小子傑克，可以用愛的力量，把不快樂的蘿絲從富豪魔掌中拯救出來。    
                                                                                                                                                     
 曾幾何時，「老」傑克也伸出了魔掌，載著新一代的蘿絲。我們變成了我們曾經發誓，要鬥倒的人。                                                            
                                                                                                                                                     
 抗老的方法推陳出新，變老的過程卻一成不變。                                                                                                          
                                                                                                                                                     
 這樣看來，似乎在身體老化的過程，我們的心態沒跟著變老。20歲時喜歡20歲的辣妹，40歲時還是喜歡20歲的辣妹(只不過追之前會三思而後行)。我沒有親身經驗，但猜
 測60歲時還是會喜歡20歲的辣妹(會追的人很少，因為她可能是兒子的女友，而一世英名也捨不得就此斷送。)                                                    
                                                                                                                                                     
 除了辣妹，很多物質的欲望，也不會因為年紀而減退。車位、官位、名錶、豪宅……而且因為經濟狀況越來越好，要求的等級越來越高。60歲的男人最不需要戴表(都有秘 
 書提醒)，但他們的錶最好。60歲的男人膝蓋變得不好，但他們的樓層最高。                                                                                 
                                                                                                                                                     
 話說回來，在很多時候，我們的心態的確老了。以前喝汽水，現在練氣功。以前是卡奴，現在收到帳單立刻到便利商店繳款。以前融資炒網路股，現在定時定額買海外基
 金。以前吃晚飯約八點，KTV唱完還要去喝永和豆漿。現在吃飯約六點，九點不到就回家帶小孩。以前四月份到墾丁參加「春天吶喊」，三天三夜不睡。現在四月份到深 
 山打禪七，三天三夜不講手機。上班時心情越來越沮喪，下班後手機越來越不會響。越來越不知道現在在演什麼電影，越來越不認識周刊封面的女明星。              
                                                                                                                                                     
 我在這些中年朋友之間，還算是活得比較年輕的。不是因為我「人老心不老」，只因為我的工作。                                                              
                                                                                                                                                     
 媒體，特別是演藝圈，是最著迷於年輕的行業。我不是青春偶像，但我訪問青春偶像。訪問他們，當然要了解他們。同齡的朋友都在研究「納豆」，我到處打聽「黑眼豆
 豆」。朋友們打開報紙看黃金的行情，我打開報紙看周杰倫跟誰在一起。                                                                                    
                                                                                                                                                     
 知道我常跟年輕人混，同學們聚會時會要我幫他們補習。我得拿出筆記，戰戰兢兢地解釋：「九把刀」不是廚具、「無名小站」不是奶茶店、「李準基」不是李季準、  
 「幽魂娜娜」不是包娜娜、「同人誌」不是同盟會的報紙、「火星文」沒有出現在史蒂芬史匹伯的《ET》之中、而MSN上火紅的彎彎，並沒有演過21年前的《星星知我   
 心》。                                                                                                                                              
                                                                                                                                                     
 講這些話時我心知肚明：江山代有才人出，新一代在建築一個全新的世界，那裡面有沒有我們，沒有太大關係。我們曾經狂飆過，那時代已經過去。現在這是他們的世  
 界，而我們，只是借住在這裡。                                                                                                                        
                                                                                                                                                     
 老同學們聽了我的「時事報告」，常會搖搖頭、笑一=