冒名
兩個推銷員在旅行到鄉下時，車子掛了.. 方圓幾哩內就只有一處豪宅。他們前去敲門求助，來應門的是一個美麗的寡婦。因為這時天色已黑，修車廠要等到早上才會開張，她便留他倆在客房過夜.. 睡覺中…
天亮後，他們召來一輛拖車，就走人了。
三個月後，1號推銷員收到一封信，他簡直無法相信其內容。他問2號推銷員: 我們在寡婦的豪宅過夜時，你是不是在半夜裡溜進她的房間?
是啊.. 為什麼這麼問?
而你還冒用我的名字?
是的.. 你怎麼知道?
嗯，她死了.. 並留給我5百萬美元的不動產。
Use Other’s Name
Two salesmen are traveling in the country when their car breaks down. The only house around for miles was a large mansion. They knock on the door and a beautiful widow answers the door. Since it is early evening and the garage will not be opened until morning, she offers to let them spend the night in the guest bedrooms. ZZZZZZZ
In the morning they call the tow truck and leave.
About three months later salesman number one opens a letter and can't believe what he reads. He goes to salesman number two and says:
"When we spent the night at the widow's mansion, did you sneak away into her bedroom in the middle of the night?"
"Why, yes I did."
"And did you use my name?"
"Why, yes how did you know?"
"Well, it seems she died and left me her 5 million dollar estate!"
父親
一位年輕的女孩意外懷孕了，但她想做人工流產。很不幸的，醫檢結果顯示她不適合做人工流產，聽到醫生這麼一說，這女孩漰潰地哭了。她說: 我現在不能要孩子，你一定有辦法幫我。醫生想了一會後，靈機一動地說: 你臨盆時，一定會有人正好要做盲腸手術。我們就把小Baby給她，並說不是盲腸的問題。
女孩同意這個計畫，但當她要生產時，醫院裡卻沒有任何女病人要做盲腸手術; 事實上，就只有一位老傳教士要做盲腸手術。這醫生向來是一言九鼎，答應的事從來沒有做不到的.. 他怎麼也得想出個法子…傳教士最終被說服了。他相信這個純潔無瘕的理念，他把這小兒子帶回家去了…
多年後，兒子變成大帥哥，傳教士也跟著更老了，最後他的時間到了，他臨終時把兒子喊到床邊，說:
有件事我必須告訴你，我不是你的父親… (兒子驚訝得望著他)
他繼續說道: 我是你的.. 母親….; 主教..才是你的….父親…
Father
A young lady had unwantedly become pregnant and wanted an abortion. Unfortunately, a medical examination showed she could not and when told so by her doctor she broke down and cried. "I can't have a baby now," she said, "There must be something you can do!" The doctor thought about this for a while, and suddenly he came up with an idea: "There is bound to be someone in this hospital in for an appendix operation when you give birth, and we'll just give her the baby and tell her it wasn't the appendix after all."
The young lady agreed to his plan, but at the time she was giving birth there were no women in for appendix operation in the hospital, in fact the only person who was an old priest. The doctor, desperately realizing the gravity of the situation and his promise, figured he might as well try anyway.
The priest was overwhelmed. Convinced this was an immaculate conception he took his little son home. The years passed and his son grew to become a fine boy. The priest was getting old, and finally he called his son to his deathbed.
"There is something I have to tell you," said the priest, "I am not your father." His son looked at him in surprise. The priest went on; "I am your mother, the bishop is your father."
兒子
這位前職棒球員就要掛了.. 他的準未亡人和四個兒子圍繞在他床邊。其中的三個兒子長得又高又帥，而且也是職業運動員, 但第四個，也就是最小的那個，實在是長得太猥瑣了。
“親愛的” 丈夫有氣無力的說: “向我保証這個小兒子是我的親生兒子吧! 在我死前，我要知道真相。我會原諒你的，如果.. “
他老婆溫柔地打斷他的話，”是的，我最親愛的，當然是，豪無疑問地.. 我以我老媽的靈魂掛保証: 你是他的生父..
於是這傢伙含笑而終了.. 而他老婆心裡卻直嘀咕著, ”謝天謝地，好里家在.. 他沒問其他三個孩子的父親是誰。”
Son
This ex-pro-baseball player is lying on his deathbed, surrounded by his weeping wife and his four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and pro-athletic, but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
"Darling," the husband whispers, "Assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die. I'll forgive you if..."
His wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest. Absolutely. No question. I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies happy and the wife mutters under her breath, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
天堂的龥匙
一天晚上，阿媽級的修女把新來的小修女叫來, 說: 親愛的，我要你今晚去幫神父洗澡.. 他要你怎麼做你就怎麼做，明天早上把所有的經過都告訴我。小修女答應下來，並前去準備神父的洗澡水。照著阿媽修女的話，小修女開始給神父洗頭髮和搓背.. 當她正賣力在洗時，神父把她的手牽引到他的大腿根部，並說: 上帝把天堂的龥匙放在這裡。神父告訴她說: 如果這把龥匙能打開她的門，她就能得到救贖…
翌日，小修女前往阿媽修女的辦公室匯報工作。
她問: 昨晚怎麼呢.. 他沒對你做什麼事吧!
小修女回答: 喔，阿媽，真是太美妙了! 我得到救贖了。我照你你的指示去做.. 當我給他洗澡時，他說他有天堂的龥匙。我驚訝極了，他繼續說如果他的龥匙可以打開我的門的話，我就會得到救贖。一開始的時候，真是很痛捏，可是神父說: 救贖之路經常是充滿痛苦的，但很快的上帝的榮耀會使我心狂喜。的確如此! 能得到救贖真好.. 喔，阿媽，他的龥匙可以打開我的門，那真是世界上最..最美妙的事!
阿媽說: 可惡的老傢伙! 他告訴我說那是狗不理的熄燈號，還讓我足足吹了40 年..
The Key to Heaven
Mother Superior called a young novice into her office one evening. ''Now dear, I want you to give the Father his nightly bath. You are to do as he tells you and be sure to report to me in the morning,'' she said. The novice agreed to do as she was told and went to prepare the Father's bath. Doing as she was told, the novice washed the Father's hair and back. While she was washing him he guided her hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven. The Father told her that if his key to heaven fit her gate, she would be saved.
The next morning the novice entered Mother Superior's office.
''So how did it go last night, dear? He didn't try anything on you, did he?'' she asked.
''Oh, Mother, it was wonderful! I have been saved. I did exactly as you told me to and when I was giving him his bath he told me the HE has the KEY TO HEAVEN! I was amazed, and he went on to tell me that if his key fit my gate, I would be saved. At first it hurt terribly, but Father said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved. And Mother, his key FIT my gate! And it was the most beautiful thing in the world!''
And the Mother said, ''Damn that man! He told me it was Gabriel's horn and I've been blowing it for 40 years!''
大豆
農夫打開她老婆衣櫥裡的抽屜時，看到裡頭有三顆大豆和一個現金袋.. 裡面裝著300元。農夫詰問他老婆這可疑物品的由來，她只好承認說: 過去幾年，我並不是對你完全忠貞不二的.. 當我做這等荒唐事的時候，我就把一顆大豆放進抽屜，以提醒自己的不檢點。
農夫也承認說，他也不是完全忠實的.. 於是，他傾向原諒並忘記他老婆在某些時候的意志不堅。他說: 但我還是有點好奇，那300元又是怎麼一回事?
老婆說: 那個啊! 嗯，當大豆的價格漲到每斗100元的時候，我就賣了…
Soybeans
While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $
The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of weakness in his wife. "I'm curious though," he said, "Where did the thirty dollars come from?"
"Oh that, " his wife replied, "Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!"
