去年回台灣時，我與一位國中同學相約吃飯。席間他忽然對我說：「你以前在國中的時候就很開朗，總是笑嘻嘻的，講話很快、充滿活力。」我聽了反而愣住了。因為在我的記憶裡，那段時光其實帶著些許鬱悶，尤其受到母親的影響，我一直以為自己並不是個快樂的人。

沒想到，在別人的眼中，我竟然是那樣一個明亮的人。後來的一次高中同學聚會，他們也說了幾乎一樣的話。這讓我開始意識到：也許我們對自己的認知，並不總是準確的，而他人眼中的我們，往往映照出另一種真實。

那麼，現在的我，與青春期的我，究竟是相同，還是已經不同了呢？

如果說有什麼改變，我想，最明顯的是自信的增加。年輕時的我，從青春期到二十三歲，一直戴著一副塑膠紅框的大眼鏡。現在回頭看，仍忍不住覺得不可思議——當時怎麼會戴著那樣一副眼鏡，卻毫無察覺。

記得來美國的第一年冬天，我參加一個國際學生的聖誕假期聚會，因為在迪士尼樂園搭雲霄飛車時眼鏡掉下去，破了，一個男生陪我去配新的。就在試戴時，他忽然說：「你的眼睛很漂亮，為什麼要戴眼鏡？」那句話，像是一個小小的轉折點。從那之後，我開始戴隱形眼鏡，也彷彿重新看見了自己——不只是外表的改變，更是一種內在的鬆動與釋放。

此外，變瘦也讓我更有自信。從青春期到大學，我一直算胖，因爲太喜歡吃麵包和各種麵食。來美國的第一年仍未改變，但第二年開始學會控制體重，慢慢瘦了下來。再加上經濟條件的改善——記得剛工作時貸款買下人生第一輛新車，後來結婚、換了更大的房子，在社團中也變得活躍——這些經歷，都讓我逐漸建立起對自己的掌握感與信心。

然而，在許多更深層的地方，我其實仍然是當年的那個我。

首先，是樂觀的性格。無論經歷多少起伏，尤其是近十年來的種種變化，我始終習慣從光明的一面看待人生。也許正因如此，在同學眼中，我一直都是那個愛笑的人。

其次，是我對信仰的堅持。從國中去教會、高中參加團契、大學持續聚會，到留學美國、結婚之後，教會始終是我生活的中心。這種信仰像一條穩定的軸線，支撐著我面對人生的各種變動。如果沒有它，我甚至不知道該如何生活。

再來，是我對家庭的重視。無論是原生家庭，還是後來建立的家庭，親情始終是我生命中的第一順位。那份與生俱來的親密感與責任感，從未改變。

還有一些看似細微，卻持續至今的興趣。例如我從小就喜歡收集書籤，那些印著格言的小卡片，總讓我感到滿足；我也一直喜歡寫作，從年輕時向報紙投稿，到現在寫部落格。只是如今，我更享受自由書寫的樂趣，不再讓發表與否左右自己的情緒。

對旅行的熱愛亦是如此。年輕時即使沒有錢，我仍願意用家教賺來的收入參加活動、到處走走；如今退休之後，更覺得探索世界是人生最美好的事情之一。

至於感情觀，我似乎也沒有太大的改變。我一直對愛情保持某種保留。即使人生中經歷好幾段感情 ，但我總覺得做不到奮身不顧地完全投入，或許是因為害怕受傷。我始終覺得，男女之間似乎只有兩條路：結婚，或終將分開。這樣的想法，讓我學會保護自己，也讓我偶爾羨慕那些能為愛不顧一切的人——那是我始終做不到的。

回到最初的問題：我還是當年那個我嗎？

也許答案是：既是，也不是。

外在的我，因為歲月與經歷而改變——更自信、更成熟，也更能掌握人生；但內在的我，那些關於信念、性格、熱愛與價值的部分，卻始終如一。

我想，一個人除非經歷極大的衝擊，否則性格的底色大致不會改變。我們所經歷的，不是成為另一個人，而是在時間的雕琢中，慢慢走向更清楚的自己。

至於未來，當我步入更老的年歲，會不會再次改變？我想，也許還是會有些不同，但那個核心的「我」，應該仍不會變，昔日看山是山，看水是水 ，經過看山不是山，看水不是水的年日，最後終究還是看山是山，看水是水！

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Are you same person you were as an adolescent, or very different?

Last year, when I went to Taiwan, I had a lunch with one of my best friends in junior high school. In the middle of our conversation, she said to me, “You were always so cheerful back in junior high—always smiling, talking quickly, full of energy.” I was taken aback. In my own memory, that period of my life had been somewhat gloomy, especially under the influence of my mother. I had always thought of myself as not particularly happy.

To my surprise, in other people’s eyes, I had been a bright and lively person. At another gathering with my high school classmates, they said almost the same thing. That was when I began to realize that our understanding of ourselves is not always accurate, and that the way others see us often reflects a different kind of truth.

So, am I the same person I was as an adolescent, or have I become someone very different?

If there is one clear change, it would be an increase in confidence. From adolescence until the age of twenty-three, I wore a pair of large plastic red-framed glasses. Looking back now, I still find it almost unbelievable—how could I have worn such glasses without even noticing?

I remember one winter in 1981, when I attended an international Christmas gathering. While riding a roller coaster at Disneyland, my glasses fell off and broke. A guy accompanied me to get a new pair. As I was trying them on, he suddenly said, “Your eyes are beautiful—why do you need glasses?” That simple sentence became a small turning point in my life. From then on, I began wearing contact lenses, and it felt as though I was seeing myself anew. It was not just a change in appearance, but a kind of inner release.

In addition, losing weight also gave me more confidence. From adolescence through college, I was rather chubby, largely because I loved bread and all kinds of pastries. My first year in the United States, nothing changed. But in the second year, I began to manage my weight and gradually slimmed down. Along with that came improved financial circumstances. I still remember buying my first brand-new car with a loan in my first year of working—it felt exciting and empowering. Later, after getting married, we moved into a larger home, and I became more active in social circles. All of these experiences gradually strengthened my sense of confidence and control over my life.

And yet, in many deeper ways, I am still the same person I was back then.

First, there is my optimism. No matter what I have gone through—especially the many changes in the past decade—I have always tended to look at the brighter side of life. Perhaps that is why, in the eyes of my classmates, I have always been someone who smiles easily.

Second, there is my faith. From attending fellowship in junior high and high school and college, to continuing the same after coming to the United States , church has always been at the center of my life. This faith is like a steady axis that supports me through life’s many changes. Without it, I am not sure how I would live.

Then there is my deep attachment to family. Whether it is my family of origin or the family I later built, family has always been my top priority. That sense of closeness and responsibility feels almost innate and has never changed.

There are also smaller, more personal continuities. For example, I have loved collecting bookmarks since I was young—those small cards with printed quotes always bring me a sense of quiet satisfaction. I have also always loved writing. In my younger years, I submitted pieces to newspapers; now I write on my blog. The difference is that today I enjoy the freedom of writing for myself, without letting acceptance or rejection affect my emotions.

My love for travel has remained the same as well. Even when I had little money in my youth, I was willing to spend what I earned from tutoring on trips and activities. Now, in retirement, I feel even more strongly that exploring the world is one of life’s greatest joys.

As for my views on relationships, they, too, have not changed much. I have always reserve when it comes to love. Although my life has not lacked romantic experiences, I have never been able to fully immerse myself—perhaps out of a fear of being hurt. I have always felt that relationships ultimately lead down one of two paths: either marriage, or separation. This belief has made me protective of myself, and sometimes I even envy those who can love with complete abandon—something I have never quite been able to do.

So, returning to the original question: am I still the same person I was?

Perhaps the answer is both yes and no.

Outwardly, I have changed with time and experience—I am more confident, more mature, and better able to take hold of my life. But inwardly, the core parts of me—my beliefs, my temperament, my passions, and my values—have remained the same.

I believe that unless a person experiences a profound upheaval, the essence of one’s character does not fundamentally change. What we go through is not becoming someone else, but gradually becoming more clearly who we have always been.

As for the future—when I grow older still, will I change again? Perhaps in some ways I will. But that essential “self” will likely remain, quietly present, just as it always has been.