The Art of Negotiation談判的藝術

人生如棋，棋如人生，圍棋裡的打劫、劫爭就好比人生中的談判〈Negotiation〉、議價 〈Bargain〉。談判要籌碼，劫爭需劫材；談判講究審度情勢策略戰術，劫爭首要判形定勢知己知彼〈敵我劫材大小、多少〉；談判氣氛要好，劫爭時機要對；談判要控制快慢節奏，劫爭要掌握劫材順序；完美的談判，雙方共蒙其利，高明的劫爭，黑白各取所需。劫，道家又稱劫數，乃注定而不可避免之事；劫，奇、 妙、玄、幻，人死不能復生，棋死卻可死裡逃生、死灰復燃的劫活；善打劫之人，直可翻天覆地、倒海翻江、黑白變色，千變萬化俱從劫生。

人生苦短(即苦且短)，尤其需要笑話、幽默的點綴、調劑，就來些談判藝術的笑料吧！

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其一：加薪

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did did he???"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.

"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora.......The gardener did ."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

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其二：要薪

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years — say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replied, "Yeah... but you started it."

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其三：要成績

A foreign student came to the professor for his grade.

Student: I have come to tell you that I must get A in your course.

Professor: From looking at your records, Mr. Student, I see that your
attendance was spotty, your homework was very poor, and you bombed
the final. By the most generous grading policy, you get an F.

Student: I must get A. It is forced by my scholarship.
If I do not get A my scholarship will end and I must go back to
my home country.

Professor: I can't give you an A. The grades have been turned in.
You deserve an F and you got an F.

Student: But I have to get an A!

Professor: Look, if I were to report grades dishonestly I could get
fired from my job. I can't change the grade.

..some minutes later...

Student: I must get an A or I will be deported.

Professor: Can't you understand? You got an F, not an A! An F! A fail! Flunk! Zero! Goose Egg!

Student: Ok... I take a B.

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其四：加薪

"I need a raise," the secretary said to her boss. "There are three other
companies after me."

"Is that so?" asked the boss. "What other companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."