Writing a thesis makes me want to kill sombody; I mean "somebody" because I don't know why I shall kill "him" but I just want to destroy "someone" rather than "something".

I don't know. May I just want to eliminate the one, the "me," that cannot complish what "the other me" wants "me" to do.

That's really depressing.

Sometimes I feel my skull just limits my brain's development and that's why I keep scratching my head in order to find a way out for my brain.

Ridiculous though.

I hate to be a human being because I have to follow the biological clock: to eat, to sleep, to go to the bathroom, to do all mechanism that keep me alive, including to go to work.

I need unlimited time to think!!

Writing a thesis is a crazy job for a healthy being and definitely a torment, an inhuman job.

Why am I engaged in doing this?

With a very little portion of rationality, I think I just need some more time to solve all the problems I'm encoutering in my study. But with a huge portion of feelings, "WHAT I AM DOING NOW!!"

Reading the masterpieces of those major "masters" is just like meeting with a large number of professors who keep silent to my questions but keep talking about their BIG ideas. I hate this unfamiliar feeling.

I hate unfamiliarity.

"Uncontrollable," I think, is the problem.

The self is the biggest enemy, they keep saying that. It's true now but they just forget to provide me the solution to this problem.

Killing the self? If "self" is the enemy. In an exclusive war this is supposed to be the best way. 

I think "self" must be a very unreasonable enemy.

Never mind. Perhaps oneday (hopefully in the near future) this enemy becomes my best and unforgettable friend.

I can't find the way to make friend with this unreasonable self now, but it doesn't mean I won't make it tomorrow!!

So . . . let's see what tomorrow can make what kind of difference.