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udn網路城邦
I was physically influenced
2016/04/15 10:40
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'One night I had been awakened by her yells- (since the medical men had pronounced her mad, she had, of course, been shut up)- it was a fiery West Indian night; one of the description that frequently precede the hurricanes of those climates nuskin. Being unable to sleep in bed, I got up and opened the window. The air was like sulphur-steams- I could find no refreshment anywhere. Mosquitoes came buzzing in and hummed sullenly round the room; the sea, which I could hear from thence, rumbled dull like an earthquake- black clouds were casting up over it; the moon was setting in the waves, broad and red, like a hot cannon-ball- she threw her last bloody glance over a world quivering with the ferment of tempest.  by the atmosphere and scene, and my ears were filled with the curses the maniac still shrieked out; wherein she momentarily mingled my name with such a tone of demon-hate, with such language!- no professed harlot ever had a fouler vocabulary than she: though two rooms off, I heard every word- the thin partitions of the West India house opposing but slight obstruction to her wolfish cries.

'"This life," said I at last, "is hell: this is the air- those are the sounds of the bottomless pit! I have a right to deliver myself from it if I can nuskin. The sufferings of this mortal state will leave me with the heavy flesh that now cumbers my soul. Of the fanatic's burning eternity I have no fear: there is not a future state worse than this present one- let me break away, and go home to God!"

'I said this whilst I knelt down at, and unlocked a trunk which contained a brace of loaded pistols: I meant to shoot myself. I only entertained the intention for a moment; for, not being insane, the crisis of exquisite and unalloyed despair, which had originated the wish and design of self-destruction, was past in a second.

'A wind fresh from Europe blew over the ocean and rushed through the open casement: the storm broke, streamed, thundered, blazed, and the air grew pure. I then framed and fixed a resolution. While I walked under the dripping orange-trees of my wet garden, and amongst its drenched pomegranates and pineapples, and while the refulgent dawn of the tropics kindled round me- I reasoned thus, Jane- and now listen; for it was true Wisdom that consoled me in that hour, and showed me the right path to follow Dry Eye.
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